​９月２４日金曜日。朝から、どうしてもやらなければならないという衝動にかられた。別の言葉でいえば、直観というのだろう。私は、直観とかなり良い友達だ。それを無駄だなんて絶対いわない。論理的思考も頼もしいが、いざとなったら、直観が頼りになる。直観と口を聞いたことがない人は、退屈だ。現実にひっつきすぎて、大きな絵が描けない。私の直感は、3人にEメールを送るように伝えた。今日の午前中に。

 

送る相手は、サチ、私の瞑想の師匠。昨日の瞑想中の空想を言葉にして送らなければならない。とても大きな冒険を試みた。次のステップに進める気がした。次のステップの足掛かりを彼に求める。瞑想の習慣を再開してから、たびたび、瞑想中にみた空想をサチに報告する。SF小説を書いているような気分に浸る。瞑想は創造力を鍛え上げれる。それを、後日言葉に戻すと自分の内面をみることができる。私の内面は奥深く底なし沼のようだった。送るとその日中に、簡潔な答えがかえってくる。まるで、禅問答のような。現代的にいえば、ジェダイマスターとの対話のようだ。心底楽しんでいる自分に気が付く。現実的とは全く対称にある領域にいる。壮大な絵が私の目の前に広がる。

 

２番目の相手は、私の弁護士だ。来週の水曜日に、仲介者との最終面談がある。主人との同席でだ。その時に、言うべきことと言ってはいけないことについての助言を求めるもの。

 

３人目の相手は、義理の母である。彼女に感謝のメールを送ろうと思っていた。別居を始めてから、連絡を取っていない。彼女は優しく思いやりのある女性だ。ただ、私とは全く違う人生を歩んでいる。共通点はあまりない。ただ、両親を亡くした私にとって、彼女はチェコの母である。娘を一緒に育てた思い出は心の中で今もなお、暖かく生きている。書きながら、涙が流れた。だが、主人を育てたのはこの母である。思い出は思い出。事実は事実。離婚は離婚である。

 

３通のメールを送った。ほっとした。次にしなければいけないことは、車を動かさなくてはならない。駐車場に止める場所がなくて、午前中しか止めれない場所に止めている。今１２時半だ。急いで、外に出る。車に向かって歩いていると、YUKOと呼ぶ声が２方向から同時に聞こえた。全く反対の方向から。一人は、私のチェコの妹、ばーら。もう一人は、あの茶飲み友達のチェコ人。偶然だ。お互いを紹介しあう。お茶に招待された。車を別の場所に移した後に、バーラと一緒に彼の家に行くことになった。

濃い水色の壁に赤い抽象画が掛けてあった。丹頂鶴のような鳥、そうでないような形が自信満々に壁にいる。彼の部屋は一昔前の博物館のようだった。黒色の整理だんすには、茶器や彫刻、石などが肩狭く並んでいた。上海にある骨董品通りの一店に迷い込んだような錯覚に陥った。薄い水色の麻の生地のソファーに座る。目の前にあの自信満々の鳥が微笑んでいる。バーラと私は並んで座る。焦茶色の急須と中国青磁のカップが3つ丸い龍の絵柄の皿の上に並んでいる。

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Friday, September 24th. In the morning, I was urged to do it. I call it my intuition. I’ve gotten along with my gut feelings since I was small. I never say it's useless. Logical thinking is also reliable, but intuition is a good friend in the event of an emergency, such a huge personal time-bomb. Those who have never heard of intuition are boring. They always tell me that I should get a grip on reality. On the contrary, I believe that such people can't draw a big picture because they’re too attached to reality. My hunch told me that I had to send emails to three people this morning.

 

The first recipient was Sachi, my meditation master. I have to put into words the fantasies I had during yesterday's meditation. I tried a very big adventure. I felt like taking the next step. I will ask him for a foothold for the next step. After resuming meditation habits, I often report to Sachi the fantasies I had during meditation. Immerse yourself in the feeling of writing a science fiction novel. Meditation trains creativity. If you put it back into words at a later date, you can see your inner self. My inner side was deep and like a bottomless swamp. I sent my journey and I'll get a brief answer during the day. It's like a Zen question and answer. In modern terms, it's like a dialogue with the Jedi Master. I realize that I am really enjoying myself. I am in an area that is completely symmetrical to reality. A magnificent picture spreads in front of me.

 

The second person was my lawyer. Next Wednesday, we would have a final interview with the mediator in the presence of my husband. At that time, I had to ask her for advice on what to say and what not to say.

 

The third one is my mother-in-law. I wanted to send her a thank-you email. I hadn't been in contact since I started my separation. She is a kind and compassionate woman. She's just as she is, she's lived her life completely different from me. There is not much in common between us. But for me, who lost my parents, she is a Czech mother. The memories of raising our daughter together are still the warmest part in my heart. As I wrote, tears flowed. However, it is this mother who raised my husband. Memories are memories. Facts are facts. A divorce is a divorce.

 

I sent three emails. I was relieved. The next thing I had to do was move my car. There is no place to stop in the parking lot, so I parked it in a place where I can only park in the morning. It's 12:30 now. Hurry up and go outside. As I was walking toward the car, I heard a voice calling me, YUKO from two directions at the same time. From exact opposite directions. One is my Czech sister, Bara. The other is that Czech friend who served tea in the park. It's a coincidence. I helped them to introduce each other. Bara and I were invited to tea. After moving the car to another location, I decided to go to his flat with Bara.

There was a red abstract painting on the dark blue wall. Birds like red-crowned cranes and shapes that aren't, were confidently on the wall. His room was like a cranky old museum a long time ago. Teaware, sculptures, stones, etc. were lined up narrowly on the black chests. I had the illusion of getting lost in an antique street store in Shanghai. We sat on a sofa made of light blue linen fabric which looked very modern. The confident bird is smiling in front of me. Bara and I sit side by side. A dark brown teapot and three China teacups are lined up on a plate with a round dish with a dragon motif.