anone2
FULL MOON
YUKO SATO ONDREJKA
あの満月の夜
全てはあの満月の夜に始まった。
満月は人を狂わせる。本当かも知れない。あの夜、ある男の胸にひた隠されてきた本心が現れた。狼男が変したように。ある男とは、大恋愛の末に結ばれ、１２年連れ添った私の夫だ。
人間には理性がある。私の生まれ育った国、日本国では、それに建前という着物を着せ、人間の本心は、簡単には見ることはできない。幸か不幸か、私にはその玉ねぎの皮のような理性と建前の中に潜む本心が子供の頃から見えた。見えたというか、色で感じられた。
私は、子供の頃からいつも笑っている子供だった。だって、世界は色とりどりの色調で覆われていたから。特に、神社と教会が好きだった。開放感と虹のような光に満ちていたことを覚えている。神主さんと神父さまとの会話はいつも美しい音の響きが心に伝わってきた。
しかし、私は大抵の場合、嫌がられた。人々は私を見ると苦痛をあらわにし、避けられたり、嫌味を言われることもたびたびだった。苦痛は、悲しみとして伝わり、その人々の心には大きな空洞があった。吸い込まれるような気がした。どうして、いつも怖い顔をしているのか、全く理解できなかった。
私の家族の心にも、その空洞のような黒いものがあった。いつもではないが、時々、垣間見られた。その恐怖は、夢に現れる。大好きな両親が、足が何本もある軟体動物のような宇宙人になる悪夢を何度も見た。夜中に目が覚め、心配になって両親の寝室を覗いてみた。彼らが人間の姿で寝ているの姿に安堵した。
私は、子供時代、普通とはかけ離れた生活を強いられた。プライドの高い母は、全ての期待を私の肩に乗せた。音楽と芸術と勉強で、テレビは愚か、友達と遊んだ記憶があまりない。裕福な東北の武家出身の長男の父は、子供のとき茶碗より重たいものを持ったことがなかったと言う自慢話をしながらお酒を毎日飲んでいた。辛うじて、毎日仕事をしていたが、家では、お酒のグラスより重たいものを持っているのを見たことがなかった。
家父長制度の恩恵を十分に受けた父は、長男の弟を甘やかした。母が厳しかったことへの反発だろうか、弟は小学校高学年くらいになるとエゴの塊になった。欲しいものが買ってもらえなかったり、母が勉強のことで厳しくすると、怒鳴り合いの言い争いをするようになった。それでも、父は何も言わなかった。ただ、男の子なんだから、しょうがないだろうと言って、好きなものを買ってあげた。母の期待に応えるために一生懸命だった私は、何も言えず、欲しいものも欲しいと言えない子供だった。期待に全く答えない弟がなんでも欲しいものが手に入ることが、信じられなかった。これが、本音と建前なのかと理解しようとしたが、やっぱり、私の理解力を超えた。心の中で泣いた。
私が我儘を言ったら、母の逃げ道が無くなるのがわかっていた。その頃、すっかりアル中になっていた父とストレスの溜まっていた母は、毎日のように口論をしていた。母の精神が病んでいくのが、悲しかった。その頃には、いくら私が母の期待に応えても、褒められることはなかった。できないところばかり責められ、父に似ている容姿が気に入らないのか、父の母に似ていると言って、責められた。
普通とかけ離れた容姿を持つということは、日本国では許されないことだ。私は、日本人離れした体型と頬骨が高く大陸人に似た顔立ちは、どこにいっても見逃されることがなかった。背が高かったことと母の英才教育のおかげか、成績がよかったことと、テレビを見ることを禁止されていたため、本をたくさん読んだので、いつでも空想の中で生きることができた。それはそれで、よかった。守護神が強くて、守られていたのかも知れない。素晴らしい教育を受けることができたので、それはそれで感謝している。
日本に期待も未練もなかった。大学卒業と同時に日本を出た。海外で生活を始めた私は、水をえた魚のようだったと思う。ルームメートと喧嘩したときの憤り、彼氏と別れた後の寂しさは私を陸に跳ね上げるほどの力はなかった。経験という海で泳ぎまくった。
Everything started on that full moon night.
The full moon makes people go crazy. It may be true. That night, a man's real thought held in the back of his heart, and at the same time, my darkness was reflected as if in a mirror. He's like a werewolf transformed. The man is my husband who has been married to me for 12 years since tying the knot after a grand passion.
Humans have nous. However, in Japan, the country where I was born and raised, they put on a Kimono which is called Tatemae, a public face, not only one layer but several. Therefore, people can't easily see the true nature of others. For better or worse, the nous hidden in the onion skin-like structure was visible to me since I was a child. I could see it, or I could feel it in colour.
I was always a smiling child. Because the world was covered in colourful tones. I especially liked shrines and churches. I remember being full of openness and rainbow-like warm light. The beautiful sounds and vibrations of the conversations I had with the Shinto priest and the Christian priest always echo through my head.
But I was often hated. People were distressed when they saw me, and they often avoided me or shot bitterness. All their negative actions came from their pain which was transmitted as sadness to my soul, and I could see a large cavity in their hearts. I felt like I was sucked in, just like a black hole in the physics textbook. I could understand why they wore a poker face to put a lid on the hole in order to live in a society.
No surprise, there was something black like that hollow in the heart of my family. Perhaps it is there in my heart. Sometimes, but not always, I glimpse it. That fear appears in a dream. I had many nightmares of my beloved parents transforming into mollusc-like aliens with many legs. I woke up in the middle of the night and was worried and looked into my parents' bedroom. I was relieved to see them sleeping in human forms.
When I was small, I was forced to live an unusual life. A high-pride mother put all her expectations which were really high like the sky on my shoulders. With music, art and study, neither watching TV nor playing with my friends were prohibited by her. My father, the first-born son from a wealthy Tohoku Samurai family which had fallen after WWII, drank alcohol every day, boasting that he had never lifted anything heavier than a rice bowl when he was small. He worked every day, but at home, he had never seen anything heavier than a glass of whisky. Now I can understand his unenthusiastic attitude because his wife spent his money on his daughter's education.
The father, who fully benefited from the patriarchy, spoiled his firstborn son, which is my younger brother. However, I guess, because my mother was so strict, my younger brother became a full mass of ego from the time he was in the upper grades of elementary school. When he didn't get what he wanted because my mother controlled us by conditional love, or when my mother was strict about studying, he began to argue with yelling. However, my father didn't say anything. He just bought things my brother wanted because he was a boy. I was a child who couldn't say anything I wanted, instead I worked hard to live up to my mother's expectations. I couldn't believe that my younger brother, who didn't live up to my mother's expectations, could get whatever he wanted. I tried to understand whether this was the nous which is real intention and the Tatemae which is a public face. However, after all it exceeded my understanding and it hurt my brain. So I cried in the darkness of my heart, where I had not gazed until the reflection of my husband in the mirror on the night of the full moon.
When I said selfishly, I knew that my mother would have no way out. At that time, my father, who was completely alcoholic, and my mother, who was stressed out, were arguing with each other on a daily basis. It was sad that my mother's mind was broken down. By that time, no matter how much I lived up to my mother's expectations, I wasn't praised. I was blamed for what I couldn't do, and I was blamed for my appearance like my father, or for the reason I resembled my paternal grandmother.
Having an unusual appearance is unacceptable in Japan. I was tall with long arms and legs that were far from Japanese and had the high cheekbones that mainland people often have. They missed those features and they didn't use Tatemae for those. They mentioned those directly to me, most of the time in a harsh and judgmental way.
I didn't know how to fight against them, so ignored them. I lived in fantasy. I read a lot of books because this activity kept my mother's mood better. That was not so bad. And luckily my guardian angel may have been strong and protected me, I was not a victim of bullying, but of loneliness. Now I could say that I am grateful for it because I was able to receive a wonderful education and it was most important for women to be financially independent and mentally strong. Surely, if I had not had this bitter childhood, I could not have faced up to the divorcing now. Life is grim, like the books I read.
There were no expectations or regrets in Japan. I left Japan when I graduated from university. When I started living abroad, I was like a fish in water. The resentment I had when I quarrelled with my roommate and the loneliness after parting with my boyfriend wasn't powerful enough to lift me to land. I swam in the sea of experience.
ただ、見て見ぬふりをして、心の奥底に放置した感情があった。私の心の奥底に潜むエゴは、その感情が大好物だ。その感情は、放置しすぎたせいか、別の感情まで生み出してしまった。親に欲している愛をいまだに求めている負の感情が、強い自己承認欲求を生み出した。それを満足させるために、人の本心が色で感じとれるという生まれながらの能力を利用し、相手の気持ちを汲み取り、積極的に好かれようとしてしまうことだ。とても危険な能力だ。好かれることで私の心の寂しさと孤独な心は一瞬のうちに満たされる。そして、依存心と執着心でいっぱいの私のエゴも満腹感を得る。さらに悪いことには、それらを全て子供の時のトラウマとし、正当化してしまっていたことだ。
それを、類まれな嗅覚で嗅ぎ取ったのが、私の夫だ。出会った時、私たちは似たもの同士だった。あの満月の夜、全てがわかった。ただ、彼の方が一枚上手だった。相手の気持ちを汲み取り、積極的に好かれようとする私の癖を利用し、私からエネルギーを吸い取った。彼のプライドは私のそれより高かったので、私の承認欲求は１２年間満たされることはなかった。ただ、私には、忍耐を学ぶという場が提供された。１２年間の子育てと２年間の両親の介護という経験が私に忍耐と受容して許すということで、愛が得られることを学んだ。
３年前にALSを発病した母は、死を迎える前日まで、劣等感に苛まれた。私は、その劣等感がどこで生まれたのか知りたかった。今、目の前に愛すべき人々がいるにもかかわらず、自分のことを考えている彼女が不思議だった。しかも、恵まれている私には、彼女の気持ちが分からないと訴えられた。まだまだ、生きたいと毎日言った。日に日に、細くなり、呼吸器をつけている彼女に私は、何も言えなかった。私のどこが恵まれているのだろうか？ 私はあなたの娘なのだと言いたかった。大丈夫、子供の頃と同じ、オレンジジュースで彼女の闇を飲み込んであげればいいのだ。もうすぐ春が来る。３月２日の朝、私は、母が床で倒れて冷たくなっているのを発見した。気丈な人で、最後まで、1人でトイレに行っていた。トイレの前で息絶えていた。
父は、黙って隣に座っていた。足腰がすっかり弱くなって、母を助けることができなかったのだろう。難聴だったので、母が倒れたのにも気がつかなかったのだろう。父は、口数の少ない人だ。２年前、可愛がっていた私の弟に裏切られ、貯金とフラットを取られ、危うく路頭に迷うところを、私がチェコに連れて来てからは、もっと大人しくなった。元々、茶碗より重たいものを持ったことがない人なので、何もしないまま、どんどん弱くなっていた。
母の遺体が運ばれた後、父とベットに腰掛け2人で泣いた。初めて、少し心が通じたと思った。その晩、初めて少し話した。子供のまま大人になったような人だった。昔話をしてくれた。父の祖父は、外交官で、太平洋戦争が始まる前、何度もアメリカに行って、戦争を止めるように努力したそうだ。英語が堪能で、勇敢な人だったと。そして、私が彼に一番似ていると。由緒正しい侍の家に生まれたことを誇りに思いなさい。下々の人とは身分が違うのだと言った。今何世紀なんだと思ってるんだろうと不思議に思ったが、わざわざ、筆談で伝えることではない。
そんな父も、７ヶ月後、1人で金婚式を迎え、１週間後に病院で亡くなった。日に日に弱くなり、最後は全ての臓器が正常に機能しなくなった。父の体の状態を、担当医から聞いた時、この人の弱さを知った。2人とも遺書を書かずに亡くなった。最期に何を思ったのかはわからない。でも、２人とも私に愛していたとは言わなかった。でも、一つだけ確かなことは、私には自分で愛を生み出すことができる。それで十分だった。
父が亡くなって、８ヶ月後、あの満月の夜がやってきた。私の夫は、１年半仕事をしていなかった。理由は、日本企業で働いた時のストレスと私の日本人の両親の介護のストレスで鬱状態だと。あと、私が３年の育児休暇を取ったのが、羨ましいそうだ。娘と時間を過ごしたいからという理由だった。もっともらしい理由なので、別に気にしなかった。でも、日に日にお酒を飲み、コロナの緊急事態宣言中は、人種差別的発言が口をつくようになっていった。愛する人が日に日に弱くなるのを見るのに私は慣れてしまったのかも知れない。ただ、傍観していた。私のエゴが彼を放置してしまった。そのせいで、娘を傷つけてしまった。
緊急事態宣言が解除されて間もない火曜日の晩、夫は、パブに行き酔っ払って21時に帰ってきた。私は、コロナの予防接種の後で、３９度の熱があった。19時まで、オンラインで授業をした。多分、Danielとの授業だったと思う。帰ってくるなり、大音量で、音楽を流した。近所迷惑を考えずに、いつも酔っ払うとこうする。娘はヘッドセットをして、PCに向かっていた。私は、ベッドで休んでいたが、彼が部屋に入って来るなり、窓を全開した。寒いので私が閉めると、また開けた。リビングの大音量の音楽で耳が痛い。娘が心配になったので、リビングに行き、音楽を止めた。すると、夫が私を罵倒した。信じられなかった。罵倒すると、そのままベッドに行ってしまった。
その時、まさに夢から冷めた。この人は、心が病んでいた。そして、娘を見た。ヘッドセットをして、無関心を装っている。まるで、子供の頃の私ではないか？ 私は、大きな間違いを犯してしまったと。満たされない私のエゴが、問題を放置させたのだ。エゴを取り除かないと大変なことになると思った。娘の前で、夫の悪口は言いたくない。絶対言わないと子供頃誓ったから。落ち着かなくてはならない。散歩という口実で、外に出た。真夜中だった。３９度の熱があったが、真っ直ぐ歩くことに集中した。この瞬間から、一つの事だけに集中することにしている。
突然、集中力が切れた。道路にしゃがみ込んだ。空には、信じられないくらい大きな満月があった。こんなに大きな月を見たことがない。そしたら、月が私に話しかけた。言葉ではなかった。私は心で受け止めた。３９度の高熱がそうさせたのかもしれない。月は私を、別の名前で呼んだ。"Gabriel, this is your fate". 英語だったと思う。彼と私の間には、真実の愛はなかった。私達は、お互い利用したのだ。別れなければと思った。2人とも、崩壊すると思った。娘も傷つけてしまう。私は、一刻も早く夫と物理的に離れなくてはならないと思った。月が教えてくれたことは本当だと直感で感じた。私の直感はとっても頼りになる。私は、道路にしばらく、インカと一緒に座っていた。月は、明るくて、そして残酷なほど平等だった。
However, there was a wild emotion that I pretended not to gaze at and left it in the depths of my heart. My ego that lurks as a neighbour in the same building in the depths of my heart loves to eat that emotion, live ones seem to be their favourite. This wild emotion had created another feeling, probably because it was abandoned too long. Negative wild emotions that still seek the love that my parents didn't give me have created a strong desire for self-approval. In order to satisfy its desire, I had to take advantage of my natural ability that I can feel people's true feelings in colour. So I understand the feelings of the other person and actively try to be liked by them. I sucked those positive warm feelings as fuel to fulfil my desire for self-acceptance. It's a very dangerous ability. Being liked fills my loneliness in an instant. And my ego, full of dependence and obsession, also feels full. To make matters worse, I have recognised all those behaviours as the result of trauma as a child and justified them. On the other hand, I blamed my parents.
It was my husband who sniffed it with a unique sense of smell. When we met, we were peas in a pod. On that full moon night, I became sober. I understood everything. However, he was a stronger player. He took advantage of my ability which became a habit to feel the other person, which means his hidden desire to be liked, and sucked energy from me. In addition, his pride was higher than mine, so my desire for approval was not met for 12 years. I have lived in poverty of love. However, the full moon told me that I was provided with a place to learn patience, which I was supposed to learn in Japan. It is true that I learnt that love can be gained by accepting and forgiving the other person with patience from the experience of 12 years of parenting to my daughter and 2 years of nursing for my parents.
My mother, who was diagnosed with ALS three years ago, suffered from an inferiority complex until the day before her death. I wanted to know where that inferiority complex came from. Because it was so strange that she was thinking about herself, even though there were lovable people in front of her. Moreover, she was accused of not understanding her feelings to me, who has everything and is blessed. She said every day she still wanted to live longer. I couldn't say anything to her, she was getting thinner day by day and wearing her respiratory system. What am I blessed with? I wanted to say that I was your daughter. All you have to do is swallow her darkness with orange juice, just as I did in the yellow train when I was small. That day, spring was coming soon, on the morning of March 2, I found my mother lying on her floor and she was cold. She was a strong person and went to use the toilet by herself until the end. She became a lifeless body in front of the bathroom. I was deeply proud of her with tears.
My father was sitting next to her silently. Perhaps his arms and legs were so weak that he couldn't help his wife. Because of his deafness, he probably didn't even notice that my mother had collapsed. My father is a person with few words from the days of my earliest recollection. Two years ago, he was betrayed by his beloved and hoped son who stole his savings and my father was almost lost on the road when I received a phone call from a care home telling me they hadn’t received payment from my brother. I brought my parents to the Czech Republic. Since then, he hadn’t spoken at all. Originally, he was the person who had never held anything heavier than a rice bowl, he was getting weaker and weaker doing nothing. But he was stubborn as a mule.
After the body of my mother was carried, my father and I sat on the bed and wept together. For the first time, I thought I was a little connected to him. That night, I talked a little for the first time. I found him like an adult as a child. He told me an old story. His father's grandfather was a diplomat who went to the United States many times before the Pacific War began and tried to stop the war. He was fluent in English and brave. And I'm the most similar to him. Be proud of being born into a venerable samurai house. He said he was different from the people below. I wondered what century he lived in, but I am very good at living in a fantasy, so it didn't bother me at all.
Seven months later, he celebrated a golden wedding by himself, and he died in the hospital a week after that. He became weaker day by day, and in the end, none of his organs functioned normally. When I heard his physical condition from his doctor, I knew his weakness and he was a prisoner in his darkness. It was peculiar that both of my parents died without writing their wills. So I don't know what they thought exactly at the end of their life. But they didn't say they loved me. One thing is for sure, I can create love by myself from the bottom of my heart through these precious life lessons. I thanked my parents. That was enough for me.
Eight months after my father's death, that full moon night came. My husband hadn't worked for a year and a half. His reason for not working is that he was depressed because of the stress of working for a Japanese company and the stress of caring for my Japanese parents. Also, he envied me for taking three years of maternity leave. And he insisted to spend time with our daughter. I accepted because it was a plausible reason. However, he drank alcohol day by day, and during Corona's state of emergency, racist remarks began to be spoken. I've gotten used to seeing my loved ones, like my parents, getting weaker day by day. So I observed on the sideway. My ego left him alone. That hurt our daughter very much.
On Tuesday night, shortly after the state of emergency for Covid19 was lifted, my husband went to a pub and got drunk and came back at 21:00. I had a fever of 39 degrees after the corona vaccination. I taught online until 19:00. I think it was a class with Daniel. As soon as I came back, he played music at a loud volume. He always does this when he gets drunk without thinking about the inconvenience to our neighbourhood while encouraging his insecurity. Our daughter was wearing a headset and using her PC in the living room with that loud music. I was resting in bed, but as soon as he entered the bedroom, he opened the balcony windows fully. It was cold so when I closed them, he opened them again shouting at me that if I wanted to close them, I must call the police. The loud music in the living room hurt everybody's ears. Worried about my daughter, I went to the living room and stopped the music. The silence threatened my husband. Then he cursed me. I could not believe it. He verbally abused me and went to bed.
At that time, I had just got awoken from a dream. This person, my husband, was mentally ill. And I gazed at my daughter. She wore a headset and pretended to be indifferent. Isn't it like I was a child? I have made a big mistake to keep our marriage to fulfil our egos. My unfulfilled ego left the problem alone. I thought it would be a big deal if I didn't remove my ego. Because I don't want to say bad things about my husband in front of my daughter, I hated those things when my mother did. I swore not to do this when I was small. Preventing this negative activity, I had to calm myself down. I went out with the excuse of taking my dog for a walk. It was midnight. I had a fever of 39 degrees, but I concentrated on walking straight. From this moment, I will concentrate on only one thing.
Suddenly I lost my concentration. I crouched down on the road. There was an incredibly large full moon in the sky. I've never seen such a big moon and it was glowing. Then the moon spoke to me. It wasn't a word. I took it with my heart. The high fever of 39 degrees may have made it so. The moon called me by another name. Gabriel, this is your destiny and all was set up for you. I think it was in English. There was no true love between my husband and me. We used each other and we were too dependent on each other. I thought we had to break up. Otherwise, both would collapse. It also would also hurt my daughter. I thought I had to physically separate from my husband as soon as possible. I intuitively felt that what the moon taught me was true. My intuition is very reliable. I sat on the road with the Incas for a while. The moon was bright and cruelly equal to everybody and everything in existence.
Dedicated to my family
Edited by Ross