anone2
HAPPY WINTER SOLSTICE
Goodbye my past
私は、私が大好きな人と幸せになることができる。愛を込めて喜びいっぱいになることができる。自分の個性、才能、魅力を活かしながら、楽しみながら成功すしていくことができます。それも私が望んでいた成功を。その成功は私の心を豊かにするだろう。
私は自由である。誰かの支配の元になく、誰かに指図されるのでも指示もされるのでもなく、私は誰かに依存するのでもなく。私は自由に自分の責任でもって、私の人生を創造していくことができる。そこで、私は本当の意味で愛されている。
私は、私の魂のつながりを感じられる人と一緒になる。本当に心から通じ合える人は必ずやってくる。たとえ、過去の人生で、本当に血のつながっている家族と仲良くできなかったとしても、私の魂とのつながりのある家族を見つけていくことができる。そして、私は、私の情熱に従って、歩き続ける。私が楽しいと思うことが正しいことだし、それが、最良を見つける方法だから。私は、昨日の瞑想中に宝箱を見つけた。私の中に眠っていた赤い龍が導いてくれた。私の内面の奥底で、黒い粘着質のある黒い液体のようなものにまみれて。宝箱に入っている才能を活かして、自分を表現する能力を磨いていく。私には内側から溢れ出るものを形にする能力がある。楽しみながら、面白く。それが私の未来への扉を開く鍵なの。そして、それを通して、皆にときめきを与える。そうでしょ。金ひいおばあ様。これが、私があの穏やかな尊厳の部屋であなたとの言葉のない会話から見つけた秘密なの。
iPhoneを持つ手がかじかんでいた、まるで曽祖母と尊厳の間で長く正座をしていた時の私の足のように痺れて感覚がなかった。炎の写真を夢中で撮っていたからだ。写真を撮る時、私は無になれる。頭に浮かんだ映像を求めてただ無心で試すから。写真を撮る時は、撮りたい映像が頭に先に浮かぶ。そして、今わかった。頭に映像を送るのは、私の感情。私の感情は私の魂の言葉。だって、私のかじかんだ手とは裏腹に、炎の前で、私の魂は火花を散らし、私の尊厳と誇りを含む私の体中のすべての細胞を目覚めさせた。私の曽祖母が言った通りに。そして、今、私の魂はほのかに熱を帯びていた。
I can be happy with the person I love. I can be full of the joys of spring with my love. I can enjoy and succeed while taking advantage of my personality, talent and charm. That will be the success I wanted. The success will enrich my heart.
I am free, not under someone's control, neither directed nor instructed by someone. I am not dependent on anyone. I can enjoy freedom while taking responsibility. Then, I create my life. There, I can be truly happy.
I will be together with someone who can feel the connection to my soul. The person will surely come. Even if I can't get along with my flesh and blood, I can be a family with a connection to my soul. So, I will keep walking according to my passion. Because what I find joy in is the right thing and the way to find the best. I found a treasure chest during meditation yesterday. The red dragon that was sleeping in my base chakra led me. Utilizing the talent concealed in the treasure box, I will improve my ability to express my feeling. Therefore, I can shape what overflows from the inside in myself with pleasure. That's the key to opening the door to my future. And through it, I will provide everyone with sparkling joy. Isn't it right? Wisteria in Gold, my great Grandma. These are the secrets I found in that room of serene dignity.
My hand holding the iPhone was paralysed with cold, the same as sitting on my heels with my great grandmother in the room of serene dignity. I was crazy about taking pictures of flames. When I take a picture, I could have an empty mind as far as I searched innocently for the image that came to my mind first. Now I conceived that my emotion sent the image to my mind. My emotions were the words of my soul. Whereas my hands were ridiculously cold in front of the flames, my soul sparked into cellular form and all facets of my body including my dignity and pride were awakened just as my great-grandmother told me. And now my soul was warm.
恐れながら、私はゆっくりと両手を炎にかざした。炎の暖かさを感じた瞬間、信じられなかった。私の左手に結婚指輪が戻っていた。あの２枚のリボンが絡み合うケルト風のモチーフの指輪が。私の愛の誓い。絶対離婚しないと誓った。真実の愛を手に入れたと信じたから。その指輪は、冬至の日、一年で一番長い夜が始まる日の入りの一歩手前の真っ赤な太陽に光のもとで、眩く輝いていた。黄金色に。佐藤金ひいおばあちゃん、ありがとう。私は、胸に置いた右手を黄金の太陽へ向かって優雅に差し出しながら、彼女に心から感謝を伝えた。私の魂は今、熱を帯び、目覚めている。そして、ゆっくりと、私は指輪を外した。すると、久しぶりに、本当に久しぶりに、私の足は大地の感触を取り戻した。転ばすに、大地に着地をした。ダニエルが話してくれた、スケートボードでのジャンプの話を思い出した。『ダニエル、できた！』とあまりの嬉しさに、私は雪の中を裸足で歩いた。妹のバラがひいてくれたオラクルカードの内容を思い出しながら、一歩一歩踏み締めた。オラクルカードは、『あなたがこの状況にいる場合、どこにいようと、あなたが今正しい場所にいることを忘れないでください』と言っていた。私は、今正しい場所で大地を踏み締めている。なんて素晴らしいんだろう。離婚は不幸なことだったが、ついにそれに加え、長年にわたって培われていた仮面も、建前も、そして虚栄心も脱ぎ捨てることができた。心も精神も完全に裸の状態で、しかも裸足だ。でも、もちろん、馬鹿みたいに冷たかった。
I slowly held my hands over the flame with trepidation. The moment I felt the warmth of the flame, I couldn't believe my eyes. My wedding ring was back on my left hand. The ring with a Celtic knot motif in which those two ribbons were intertwined. It was my vow of the past love. I uttered a vow that I would never get a divorce. Because I believed that I had true love. On the day of the winter solstice when the longest night of the year had just begun, the ring was shining brightly under the light of the burning red sun just before the sunset. It was a golden colour. Thank you, Great-Grandma Gold in wisteria. I showed the greatest gratitude to her from the bottom of my heart by gracefully moving my right hand from my heart to the golden sun. I was consciously aware that my soul is warm and awake. And slowly, I took off the ring. Then, for the first time in a long time, my feet regained the feel of the earth. Without falling, I landed on the ground. Wow! It was fantastic to hold my ground. I’d just remembered the story of leaping over on a skateboard that Daniel told me. "Daniel, great! I’ve done it!" While screaming this word, I was so happy that I jumped barefoot into the snow. While remembering the contents of the Oracle card that my sister Bara had drawn. The Oracle Card said, "If you are in this situation, remember that you are in the right place, no matter where you are." It was awesome that I was on the ground in the right place right now. My unfortunate divorce had finally aroused all of my parts, my pride, my dignity, and my soul. Moreover, I could remove the mask, tatemae(persona) and vanity that I have acquired over the years and now I got completely naked within mind and spirit, and even barefoot. But, of course, it was ridiculously bloody cold.
心と精神の断捨離をした後、私の心は羽のように軽くなった。誰よりも、どんな鳥よりも、おそらくTokTokよりも確実に高く高く飛べるような気がした。スペインで、Satchiとの瞑想の修行をした後感じた軽さと似たような気分だった。瞑想修行が終わった後、私はサルバドールダリの美術館に行きたかったので、近くの小さなホテルに泊まった。そこにはバーやレストランが数軒しかなかった。その一軒の小さな居酒屋に1人で入った。赤ワインを注文した。居酒屋は地元の人々でごった返していた。唯一空いていたカウンターに座った。私は深く呼吸した。
私の心が穏やかで静かな心に驚いた。まるで私がひた隠れていた恐れと言い訳を全てを洗い流したかのように。私は、停滞した日常生活や習慣の快適なクッションを轟かせる龍と共に鳴り響く雷のようだった。いつもだったら、周りの考えに共感し、こんなところに日本人女性が1人で座ってたら、皆何と思うんだろうとか、寂しい人だと思われるのではないだろうかなど、相手からどう思われるかを気にしている私自身を気にしないように堂々と座っている私がいた。私は心を開いた状態で、健康的な境界を確立していることに気がついた。私は、もう何年も1人で外国を旅していたにもかかわらず、いつも不安と戦っていた。私は自分が十分に強いと信じるように過度に自分自身を説得し続けていた。それは虚栄心だったに違いない。でも、あの晩、私の中にそんな私はいなかった。全く感じなかった。私はただ1人で赤ワインを飲むことを楽しんでいた。ただ、その行動を楽しんでいた。
冬至で私の過去を燃やした後、私はただ私の輝かしい未来に心が躍っていた。その時わかった。私が微笑んでいるのは、自分が充実して幸せでいる時を想像して、その気分を味わっているから。その気分が私を美しく微笑笑ませる。まるで、タイムマシーンで自分の未来に行って、未来の自分に会って、その時の気分が今の自分を美しくさせる。これこそ、自分を愛することなんだと。私は初めて自分自身に愛を注いでいる。チェコのグラストンバリ トー、私のお気に入りの丘からジャンプをしながら駆け降りた。写真を撮るのに夢中になっていたので、私の手は悴んでいた。インカを車のハッチに乗せ、運転席に座った時、ダニエルからメッセージが届いた。『クリスマスに何をしていますか？』とNoticeで読んだ。信じられなかった。心から喜んだ。この余韻を味わいたかったので、車の中でお茶を入れた。千利休殿に敬意を払って。夕日が空を桃色と水色のグラデーションで美しく染めていた。私の心も同じ色に染まった。静かに一口一口飲み込んだ。
After decluttering my mind and spirit, they became light as a feather. I felt like I could fly higher than anyone or any bird, perhaps even higher surely than TokTok. That lightness conjured up a similarity that I felt after practising meditation for two weeks with Satchi in Spain. After this, I wanted to go to the Salvador Dali Museum, so I stayed at a small hotel nearby, where there were only a few bars and restaurants. I entered a small Tapas bar by myself. I ordered a glass of red wine. The bar was packed with locals who really enjoyed each other’s company. So I sat at the bar which was the only place available. I breathed deeply and was astonished by my calm and fine mind, just as if I was washing away all the fears and excuses behind which I hid; I was a roaring thunder on a dragon that would rumble the comfy cushion of my stagnant routines and habits. Those included caring what the other people thought, that a Japanese woman sat alone in a place like this, or that I was a lonely person in the middle of their territory. I recognized that I established healthy boundaries while keeping an open heart.
Before, although I'd been travelling alone for many years and lived abroad, I'd always been fighting anxiety to be a foreigner alone. I’d just keep overly convincing myself to believe that I was strong enough. It must have been vanity. But that night, I enjoyed drinking red wine alone. I just enjoyed this activity.
After burning my past at the winter solstice, I was just excited about my bright future. I discovered the truth, the reason I currently smiled, which was that I made a conscious connection with this bright future of mine. Being in state there made me smile beautifully and confidently. It was just as if I’d been to my future with a time machine or a flying carpet, I met myself who strived to be intimate with all facets of my being and was my own person as well as relational. I nurtured and honoured the relationship with myself as well as with a beloved one. My mood and feeling at that time made me smile beautifully. This was the way how I could love myself and this sensation was very new to me. From the top of Czech Glastonbury Tor, I ran down while jumping. After I put Inca in the hatch of the car. While I sat in the car, I received a message from Daniel. "What are you doing for Christmas?" I read it in the notice. I could not believe it, it was enough to lift my heart. I enjoyed this simple pleasure while drinking a cup of tea in my car. I sent my homage to Sen no Rikyu. The setting sun beautifully dipped the light blue sky with a gradation of pink. My heart basked in the same colour. I sipped tea quietly without mixing up the gradation completely.
家に帰った。家に帰って真っ先にすることは、携帯を母からもらった赤い漆の箱に入れることだ。心を穏やかにする私の新しい習慣だ。午後５時以降のメッセージには答えないことにしている。午後５時から０時までは、1人でいる女性には危険な時間だから。寂しさにいつ襲われるかわからないから。襲われたら最後、誰にどんなメッセージを送ってしまうかわからない。これは私ではない。だから、なるたけ早く寝室に行くようにしている。次の日新鮮な気持ちで携帯に向かい合うようにしている。この日は、ベッドの中で上の文章を書いた。写真と共にアップした。新しい人生の始まり。私は微笑みながら冬至の抱負を書いた。そして、その後ダニエルにメッセージを送った。『十中八九、物語の続きを書いているでしょう。３つの章の結論は出ているから』と。後は、構想を練りながら、物語を展開させるだけ。その後眠りに落ちた。
次の日、全ては劇的に変わった。最高にラッキーな日だった。数日前、母からもらったバイオリンを弾いた時、E弦が切れた。弦を張り替えるため、ペックを巻き上げている時、誤って新しい弦まで切ってしまった。こんなこと初めてだった。長い間弾いていなかったので、勘が鈍っていたのだろう。弦が切れた瞬間、心底驚いた。スペアの弦はない。心当たりのある友達にどこで買えるか尋ねていた。そんな時、彼からメッセージが入った。彼がその弦を店から購入して、クリスマスプレゼントとして私にくれるというのだ。近くの喫茶店で会った。何とEADG弦の一セット貰った。心からお礼を言った。そこで、とっても美味しいフルーツティーを飲んだ。アルプスの風と果実のお茶という名前だった。濃いワインレッドのお茶で、飲むと果実の味とさやかなミントの味が喉越しを癒してくれる。素晴らしい味だった。爽快感とみずみずしさは今まで飲んだどんなお茶より群を抜いていた。ラッキーだった。そんなお茶が飲めて。
Each day, I return home. The first thing to do is to put my iPhone in the red Japanese lacquer box that my mother gave me. It's my new habit to relax my mind with security. I will not answer messages after 5 pm. Because these hours I used to spend time with my former family from 5 pm to midnight was a dangerous time for a single woman just after a divorce. I didn't know when I’d be attacked by loneliness just like a heart attack. Once I got this attack, I couldn’t guarantee whom and what kind of messages I would send. So, this red thin rectangular box was my security. That's why I tried to go to the bedroom as soon as possible. My bedroom is an uncharted world of wonder and mystery. I can go anywhere and anytime lying on my bed and watching the sky. The following day, I try to face my mobile phone with a crisp and fresh mind. On Solstice night, the longest night in the year, I wrote the above resolution in bed covered by light blue fluffy blankets just like the sky I saw. I uploaded it with the photos. The beginning of a new life. And then I sent a message to Daniel. "I'm sure I’m writing the continuation of my story. The ending of the three chapters has been set." All I had to do now was develop the story while formulating a plan. Then I fell asleep like a log.
The next day, everything changed dramatically. It turned the luckiest day. A few days ago, when I played the violin I got from my mother, the E string broke/cut. When I was winding up the tuning peg to change into a new one, I accidentally winded it too much to cut it. The moment the string cut, I was terribly surprised. I didn’t have a spare string, so I asked a friend where to buy it. On the luckiest day, he sent me a message that he bought a string from the music store and he wanted to give it to me as a Christmas gift. We met at a coffee shop nearby and I got a set of strings which included E, A, D and G strings. I thanked him warmly/profusely. Moreover, as it happens, I drank a cup of incredibly delicious fruit tea called Infuso alla frutta Vento Alpino from the Alps. Its crimson colour and pungent fruity flavour owed a surge of wild inspiration of the alpine landscape with crystal-clear light and black shadow like tar. The taste of juicy/rich fruit with a subtle mint flavour felt after taste and could heal my throat. It soothes my mood like a whirlwind of bracing sensation. Its exhilaration and freshness made it by far the best tea I've ever had. I was in a daydream state for a while, where there were three large paintings called the Alpine Triptych by Giovanni Seganitini in front of me. This symbolic content, life, nature and death could just exist and I would just accept it with this tea. Wow, I was lucky to come across such tea.
その後、買い物に行ったら、親切な店員さんがポイントカードの使い方を教えてくれたお陰で、全ての買い物がタダになった。私はいつもポイントカードとか優待券の使うことができない。そもそも買い物自体が嫌いだ。人混みが苦手で、その後いつもものすごく疲れるから。ただ、速く終わらせたいので、あまり値段を見ないで買ってしまうこともある。こんなラッキーなことがあるだろうか？私の心は冬至の抱負で一色に染まっていた。家に帰って、携帯をいつもの赤い箱にいれ、お疲れ様と伝えた。１９時から大好きなナタリーとのレッスンをした。私は彼女が大好きで、レッスンではいつも興味深い議論ができる。彼女は私と正反対で、考えをまとめてから、ゆっくり話し出す。その反対に私は話しながら考えをまとめる。人々の才能は人それぞれで、それに触れる時、私の知的好奇心にエンジンがかかる。幸せな気分のまま、ベッドに倒れるように寝てしまった。
12月24日の朝、起きて携帯を見たらダニエルからボイスメッセージが届いていた。聞いた後、嬉しい気分になったので、バイオリンの弦が切れた時の録音を送った。彼は聴覚と想像力が直結している。いつもシャーロックホームズのように言い当ててくれる。しかも、ユーモアのセンスも乗せて。暫くすると、返事が届いた。彼が列車に乗って会いにくるつもりだという。あのダニエルがコンフォートゾーンから出て、私に会いにくるとは信じられなかった。最高のクリスマスプレゼントだと思った。スーパーが１１時半で閉まるので、急いで買い物に行くと告げた。Chebという国境の街までくれば、車で迎えに行くと告げた。買い物が終わって、運転席に座り、買ってきたコーヒーを飲んでしばらくぼーっとしていた。目の前に白いBMWが止まっていた。中に人がいるのに私と同じように暫く止まったいた。ちょっと不思議に思った。私が車のエンジンをかけた時、その車がバックをして走り出した。その時、ナンバープレートが1111だった。心の底からびっくりした。なぜなら、私は以前、別の車で1111のナンバーの車に轢かれそうになった事がある。しかも、救急病院の前で。10月10日のインディアンの焚き火の儀式に招待され、そこで私は、日本国国歌君が代を炎の前で歌った。その時、私は愛国心に気がついた。私の愛国心は私の誇りと共に君が代を歌った。その夜、瞑想中に私は赤い龍に出会った。その後、熱が出て、一週間続いた。その時だった。もう一つは、ミュンヘンで夏休みを過ごした後の帰り道、娘に会いに行くために、元夫に連絡を取って、フラットに会いに行こうと思えた瞬間、別の1111のナンバーの車が私の前を走っていた。不思議なことだ。以前は気にも留めなかったのに。一体何台1111ナンバーの車がチェコ共和国に存在するのだろうか？
After that, I went shopping. Just before the Christmas holidays, there was a pack of customers who were pushing a full trolly with full family members. A kind shopkeeper explained to me how to use the point card, even though there was a limit of shopkeepers in the big shopping supermarket. All the shopping was paid for by the points I earned for the year 2021. Can you believe such a lucky thing? I am so terrible at using vouchers or point card systems and on top of that, shopping is by no means my cup of tea, although Czech people love this activity. I'm not good at crowds, and after that, I'm always exhausted. Therefore, usually, I rushed up shopping without looking at the price tag. So, using the point card system efficiently during the most crowded days before Christmas was a great miracle to me. My heart leaped for the jovial mood on the winter solstice. When I got home, I rested my mobile phone in the usual red box with security and thanked it for great work today. I had a lesson with my favourite student Natalie from 19:00. I liked her particularly because of her viewpoint and it generated in-depth discussions in our lessons. Moreover, she had a way of talking, summarising her thoughts first and then speaking slowly. On the contrary, I talked while summarising my thoughts simultaneously. We could learn a lot from each other. Whenever I encountered different abilities which were contrasting to mine, these abilities made my intellectual curiosity jump. Then I jumped into bed and I fell asleep in a happy mood.
On the morning of December 24th, I woke up and checked my mobile phone in the freshest mind, I received a voice message from Daniel. After listening to it, I sent a recording of when the violin string cut. In my list of students, he is known for his proficiency with hearing, observation and deduction, and imagination. He could guess right like Sherlock Holmes. Moreover, he could do it with a good sense of humour. I appreciated those in order to derive a flash of wild inspiration from his interpretations which stirred my imagination for writing. After a while, I received a reply. He said he was going to come to see me by train this weekend. I couldn't believe that Daniel would come out of his comfort zone and see me. I thought it would be a Christmas present. So I told him that I would go shopping in a hurry as supermarkets closed at 11:30 now, and I would pick him up by car when he got to Cheb which was the town on the border between Germany and the Czech republic. And made sure he could eat fish. He said yes. After shopping, I sat in my car, sipped a coffee from a vending machine in an absent mind for a while. A white BMW stopped in front of me. Even though there were people inside, it stopped for a while as I did. I felt a bit strange because most of the cars were gone around 12:00 after the shop was closed. When I started the engine, the white BMW moved back and drove away. The licence plate caught my eyes. It was 1111. I was surprised. Because I had almost been run over by another car with the number 1111 in front of the emergency department of the hospital. Besides, on the way home after spending the summer vacation in Munich, the moment I regained the strong indomitable will to contact my ex-husband to see my daughter, another car with a 1111 number was driving in front of me. It's strange and it might be just a coincidence, yet this number was sticking to me. I didn't even notice it before. What on earth!? How many 1111 cars were there in the Czech Republic?
家に帰った。エリザベスとのレッスンがあった。彼女はスコットランドに留学している中国系ドイツ人だ。歌が上手で、感受性が高い。歌の歌詞のような日本語で会話ができる。私が詩を書いたら、それに曲をつけてるという。もし、試してみたら、楽しそうだ。未来への可能性が垣間見られた。その後、信じられないことに、元主人からポテトサラダを作ったので持っていくというメッセージが届いた。夕方５時に。あの冬至以来、ラッキーが続く。心は羽のように軽かった。
その後バイオリンを弾いた。私の心はあまりにも羽のように軽いので、最も力の抜いた状態で弓を動かすことができた。子供の頃から、バイオリンの小林先生からは、弓を持つ腕の力を抜くことを何千回も注意されてきた。 今やっとできた。こんなにデリケートな音を私のバイオリンから聞いたことがない。世界が変わったような気がした。高校生の時バイオリンを練習した最後の曲であるヘンリー・エックレスのト短調ソナタを弾いた。 その曲を練習している時、バイオリンを弾くのをやめた。 高校の陸上部で走り高跳びの練習をしたときに左手の中指を折ったから。 私はきちんと着地できず、手の上に体ごと着地した。陸上部のコーチの神山先生からは、もちろん絶対やってはいけないことだと注意を受けていた。骨が折れる音が聞こえた。その後もその音と痛みを忘れることができない。 この事故の後、自宅でコーチと驚きと失望に包まれた母の顔に出会ったとき、私の気持ち、心、精神、そして魂に痛みが襲った。 彼は私の母に謝罪し、娘さんを怒らないでくださいとも言ってくれた。 彼は、新旧の実践的な理論をうまく組み合わせた素晴らしいコーチでした。 彼は私たちに日本人としての適切なマナーと武道としての格闘技の精神も教えてくれた。それに加え、彼はマインドトレーニングやマイケルジャクソンの音楽に合わせて踊ることから自然に走る型を教えるなどの新しい方法も紹介してくれた。
彼のお陰で、私は母と向き合うことができたが、彼女は心底落胆していた。その日から、私は彼女の期待から解放された。それは、まるで、数日前にE弦を誤って切ってしまった時のように一瞬で、驚きと恐怖が混じったような感覚だった。私は彼女にもう愛されることはないと悟った。この日から私は海外で働きたいと思うようになった。この状態には耐えられなかった。でも、今、軽やかな私の心は、その最後まで弾くことができなかった曲を弾いている。母のバイオリンで。しかも今までこんなに楽しんで弾いたことがなかった。もちろん何度も間違えたが。間違え、引き直すたびに過去の母とのトラウマを音に合わせて私の心から解放した。オレンジジュースで飲み込むのではなく、外へと解き放った。何百回も間違えたので、最後の音を弾き終えた時は、解き放つべきトラウマはどこにも存在しなかった。
I returned home. There was a lesson with Elizabeth. She is a Chinese-German who studies in Scotland. She is good at singing and sensitive. She can even sing a Japanese song without the ability to speak this language. She has the ability to reproduce sounds. Now she learns this language as quick as water goes through a dune and can talk Japanese in her way just like the lyrics of a song. She suggested that if I wrote a poem, she could create melody and infuse a new life into my poem. Isn’t it wonderful? I will definitely try it, it seems to be an amazing plan for the future. There was a glimpse of the possibilities of the future which was just the same as the blue sky with thunder clouds in my great Grandmother’s eyes I saw in the room of serene dignity. I am fond of it as that cumulonimbus generated a flash of joy. Later, I received a message from my ex-husband that he made a potato salad which was one of the traditional Czech foods for Christmas. And he would bring it to me at 5 o'clock in the evening. Isn’t it unbelievable? The winter solstice brought me a glut of luck. I wish I could save it for another day.
I had some time to kill before 5pm. I played the violin. My heart was as light as a feather and I was able to move the bow in the most relaxed state. Since I started practising this instrument from woods, my teacher, a violinist Ms Small Woods, had given me advice thousands of times to let my arm go with a bow. As with so much brilliant advice, it was deceptively simple, but I’d never gotten it till now. I finally got it. I just have to lighten my mere heart. I've never heard such a delicate sound from my violin. It had changed the world I lived in. I played Henry Eccles’ sonata in G minor which was the last music I played in high school. During this time, I broke the middle finger of my left hand when I was practising the high jump in athletics. I accidentally landed on my left hand, not my right hand, with my body. Of course, Mr Kamiyama, Mt God in English, the coach in our club, warned me that by no means should I ever do it. I heard a sound or vibration on my bone breaking through my body. I still couldn’t forget the sound and pain afterwards. After this accident, I had no courage to go home to tell my parents this fact, so my coach, Mr Mt God, accompanied me to face my mother who wore looks full of surprise and disappointment on her face. As soon as I saw my mother’s face, An outbreak of the pain of my middle finger shot through my mind, my heart, my spirit, and my soul. He apologised to my mother and told her not to scold her daughter. He was a great coach with a good combination of old and new practical theories. He also taught us proper manners as Japanese and the spirit of martial arts while he was introducing new methods from the West, such as mind training and how to derive a natural running form from dancing to Michael Jackson's music.
Thanks to him, I was able to communicate with my mother, but a wave of her disappointment fell in the atmosphere in our home. I could see its heavy monotonous and dull aura everywhere when we ate, talked, cleaned rooms, helped her, and even slept. From that day on, I was released from her very high expectations of me and pressures on my shoulder. It was as if I accidentally cut the E string a few days ago, it happened merely in a blink of an eye and a mixture of surprise and horror shot up at me. I realised that she wouldn't love me anymore. From this day on, I was determined to go and work abroad in the future. I couldn't stand this condition. But now, my light heart was playing Henry Eccles’ sonata in G minor that I couldn't complete until the end with my mother's violin. Moreover, its activity brought me sheer joy which I’d never experienced playing it that much. Of course, I made hundreds of mistakes. Every time I made a mistake and pulled it back and I released that heavy monotonous, dull aura of atmosphere which could relate to the pain and suffering of my wounds and trauma against my mother with the sound into the air, instead of swallowing it with orange juice. I let it go outside. I made enormous mistakes till I played the last note, hence, there was no childhood trauma derived from my mother in me. So I could finally live my own life. I could send gratitude to her that it was better to be her daughter than to have any other mother.
インカと高速道路沿いにあるジョギング道に散歩に行った。夕暮れが綺麗だった。ビデオをダニエルに送った。気分がよかった。こんなに安心した気分は初めてだった。正直、クリスマスが怖かった。初めての1人でのクリスマスだったから。主人が車でポテトサラダを持ってきてくれた。娘と義理の母も乗っている。結婚してから、クリスマスの夜は義理の母の家で伝統的なチェコ料理を食べることになっていたから。今年はそんな彼らの車を夕暮れを見ながら見送った。大丈夫、安心して乗り切れる。その後1日はあっという間に過ぎた。
次の日。朝、朝日と共にヨガをした。集中できた。ヘッドスタンディング中も安定して目を瞑り無になった。その後の瞑想で、昨日の娘達を乗せた車を見送った時の寂しさを一掃した。彼らは彼らの人生に留まり、私は新しい人生を選択した。ただそれだけ。私の未来は光に満ちていた。私は充実していた。駅でダニエルに会えた時の嬉しい気持ち。全てに心から感謝をした。１０時からCICIとのレッスンが会った。CICIは私がオンラインで日本語で教え始めた時の最初の生徒だ。偶然にも、中国の厦門に住んでいる14歳の聡明な女の子だ。ユーモアのセンスもある。レッスンはいつも楽しい。その後、雪が降ってきた。私の部屋から見える景色が一面真っ白になった。雪景色は素晴らしい。写真家にとって、雪は最高のレフ板である。ハイライトも素晴らしい。私はダニエルと同じ雪景色が見れるのが嬉しかった。同じ景色を同じ空気を吸いながら見れることは最高の贅沢である。海外に住み始めてから、心が通い合う人と同じ景色と時間と空気を共有できるのは最高の贅沢であるのかが身に染みてわかっている。彼にメッセージを送った。「雪が降っています。今どこ？』と。その日は何事もなく過ぎた。
Later, I went for a walk with Inca on the jogging road along the highway. The approaching dusk included all-encompassing aspects of light and dark. These two were everywhere, on the grass where Inca ran, on the horizon with the tangerine sunset, the atmosphere of joy in melancholy. When I felt good in the dusk, I felt fearless in all aspects of life. To be honest, I was a bit scared of Christmas. It was my first Christmas celebrating alone. While I was embracing delightful fear and laughing from my belly, my husband brought me a potato salad by car. Our daughter and his mother were also on board to have a Christmas dinner with the traditional Czech food at her house. This year, I saw them off by car while watching this dusk. It's okay, I could rise above my conditions around my external image. It was up to me to turn my life inside out.
The next day, I practised yoga with the morning sun. As long as I was watching the sunrise, I concentrated on breathing at maximum. High concentration allowed me to connect to my organic, healthy ego or pride and to stretch my innate power out. Especially during the head standing, I closed my eyes tightly and connected to it. Subsequent meditation wiped out the remaining loneliness from seeing off the car with my daughter yesterday. She stayed in her life with them and I chose a new life. That's it. I was surprisingly calm. I even felt subtle joy while imagining the moment when I saw Daniel at the station. Since the winter Solstice, I knew the past had gone, the future had not yet arrived and all there really was, was this present golden moment. This state of being rapidly changed and appreciative. It seemed that I reclaimed my magic. I could let my heart expand naturally. Then, I rushed to have a lesson with CICI from 10 o'clock. She was the first student when I started teaching Japanese online. Coincidentally, she was a 14-year-old, similar to my daughter’s age, and lived in Xiamen, China, where I used to study Chinese. She was intelligent with a good sense of humour, therefore, we laughed at each other’s jokes from our belly in lessons. After that, it began to snow. The view from my room turned white. The snow scene was just breathtaking. For photographers, snow is the best reflector, it adds great highlights everywhere. It will be wonderfully satisfying and soothing to our minds and stress that I saw the same snow scene with Daniel. It was the best luxury to share the same scenery with people with whom you can communicate fully while breathing the same air. I sent him a message, "It's snowing. Where are you now?" The day passed.
目が覚めた。目が覚めた途端、直感が私に教えてくれた。ダニエルは来ないと。落ち着いて起き上がった。キッチンに行ってコーヒーを入れた。大丈夫。私の尊厳も誇りも弱さも静かに寝息を立てていた。今は私と直感だけ。コーヒーをカップに注ぎながら、私に愛を注ぐことに集中するように想像力を働かせた。正直言って、どうしたら、自分に愛を注ぐことができるのか皆目わからなかった。自分に愛情を注げば、期待と期待通りに行かなかった場合への不安がなくなるとは論理的に説明がつかない。一応、曽祖母に言われた通りにしてきたが、できてないのは明らかだ。できていたら、昨晩のような不安の発作が起きる訳が無い。原因はわかっている。尊厳を誇りで奏でる方法が皆目わからない。あの冬至の儀式を行なうように駆り立てた憤りのような衝動が、使えるような気がするが持続力がないのだ。ただ、悪くはないと思う。だって、指輪を外すことができたから。そのお陰で、私は大地を自分の足で踏み締めることができた。少し、安心した。私と私の直感はゆっくりとコーヒーを楽しんだ。
I woke up in the middle of the night. Incredibly, anxiety grew in my heart like a rising tide, while I was sleeping. The spontaneous luck and joy after the winter solstice had been wiped out. I couldn't breathe. It was so difficult to breathe that my weakness crawled out of the shell. I'd locked her up in my shell since I opened the email from my ex-husband's aunt. Neither my dignity nor my pride, nor myself could control her anymore. I cried on the bed, just as I did in front of Daniel. The sleeping Inca jumped up. Didn't I burn all the past at the winter solstice ritual? Did all the memories of the marriage lie under the thousands of elephants at the tea party of the interview with the mediator? Did my great-grandmother carve into my brain to believe in one's talents, abilities, charms, and opportunities and to be independent of love addiction in a voiceless conversation in the room of serene dignity? Wasn't I enthusiastic about my new life on the day of the winter solstice, because I could grip the ground for the first time in a few months when I burned the photo, the wedding ring came back to my ring finger on my left hand and I took it off? At that time, did I think I was able to conceal my weaknesses? So what on earth did this heart-filling anxiety come from?
I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Suddenly my emotions ebbed away and at the bottom of my heart, I found a shell of an expectation. My intuition agreed with me. Yes, I was expecting the arrival of Daniel. When I raised my head, I saw the starry sky from the window. I hadn't seen the stars for a few weeks because it'd been cloudy lately. There was no cloud in the night sky, and the stars were shining brilliantly. Then, I understood everything. It was something that Gold in wisteria, my great-grandmother had told me not to do. Don't give others too much to try to replace your loneliness with love from them. I bought salmon for him, wrapped a present, arranged the Christmas cookies nicely on the plate, cleaned the room and expected him to come. That expectation turned into a strong desire. If all the loneliness up to now could be paid back by it. This is my unhealthy ego. I was off guard again. I was so advised by good female friends to focus on loving only myself. I was lodged in a false thinking pattern. This was a thought that those who studied economics worked in the world of the capitalist economy. I tried ”so all's well that ends well”. In other words, (it might be interpreted by) the plus-minus method, greediness, or, a clever way of thinking like people with good management skills. It can be said that it is a thought pattern that people who believe that Excel spreadsheets can explain everything, not poems. Since my separation from my former marriage, I should have burned a circuit of the false way of thinking, looking at the world many times during meditation. Did I intend to make the same mistake? I blew the feeling of exhilaration and fulfilment after the winter solstice. However, it seemed too late, because my weakness had already begun to stretch. I pulled all my strength to raise dignity and pride. They were holding their breath to watch over my vulnerability. We're f***ed! I couldn’t count on them anymore. I quietly sat in a lotus pose which brought me to meditation. I focused on breathing. “Come on Yuko! Focus on breathing, believing that you can blow away your anxiety” While I heard my great-grandmother’s voice, I fell asleep.
Next morning. As soon as I woke up, my intuition taught me that Daniel would not come. It was OK. I knew it. I got up. I went to the kitchen and brewed coffee. It was good, because my dignity, pride, and weakness were quietly sleeping. Right now there are just me and my intuition. While pouring coffee into the cup, I visualised pouring love into a cup of myself with my imagination. To be honest, I didn't have the foggiest idea of how to love myself, nor could I logically explain that if I poured love into a cup of myself, I would be free from anxiety about expectations or hope. However, that was exactly what my great-grandmother instructed me and it was crystal clear that I wouldn’t have done so. If I did so, there was no narrow clearance for flying into anxiety like the previous night. I knew why it had happened. Because I had no idea how to play dignity with pride. I sensed that I could use the resentful urge to perform the winter solstice ritual, but it wouldn’t be sustainable. But I thought it was not so bad. Because I succeeded to remove the ring. Thanks to that, I was able to grip the earth with my own feet. I was ready to complete the task of the Oracle card at least. We, me and my intuition, enjoyed drinking coffee slowly.
居間に戻り、携帯を見た。ダニエルからヴォイスメッセージが届いていた。意外にも、英語だった。今日はもう遅いので来られない。多分、来週末行くかも。もし、ダメだったら、来来週末に行くかも。彼の思考は行ったり来たりしていた。思わず、携帯を落としてしまった。頭が真っ白になった。一体全体これはなんなのだろうか？彼は彼でいい。別に彼の問題だ。来るか来ないかは彼の決断であって、私がどうこうできる問題ではない。他人は変えられない。この事実は既にマスターしている。マイナスとマイナスとの掛け算を初めて習った時のように。マイナスとマイナスをかけるとプラスに変わる。それでいて、この世に魔法はないと教わった時のように。ただ、事実は事実と受け止め、次に進む。考えても時間の無駄だ。
問題は私だ。何で私は冬至の日から、25日のイギリスでのクリスマスの日まで、こんなに胸奥をかきまわされたのだろうか？彼は思いつきを言ったまでだ。誰でも思いつきを言葉に言う権利はある。あの満月の晩に別居を決意をしてから、長い学びの道のりを経て、壮大な涙の湖までつくった。そして、冬至の日にやっと、素晴らしい境地に辿り着いた。それを一瞬で不意にしてしまった。私は完全に無になった。試験で百点を取れると思っていたら、０点だったのと同じことだ。０の概念？ふと、頭をよぎったが、そのまま、携帯を拾って、残りのメッセージを聞いた。彼は楽しそうにサンタクロースがたくさんの漫画本を届けてくれて、それを読んでいたら気持ちが明るくなったと日本語で話していた。いつもの彼だった。パラレルワールドだ。私の直感が教えてくれた。私はまたパラレルワールドの罠にはまったのだ。パラレルワールドにはたくさんの罠が仕掛けられている。その入り口は期待なのだ。相手に期待することと自分を愛することは両極端に位置する。S極とN極のように。そしてそれは磁石の役割をする。強力に惹かれ合うのだ。
I went back to the living room and looked at my mobile phone. I received a voice message from Daniel. Surprisingly, he said in English that he couldn’t come because it's too late today. Maybe he would visit me next weekend. If not, he might visit a week later. His thoughts were back and forth and I couldn’t grasp his point. I dropped my mobile phone on the floor. My mind became a complete blank. What the hell was it? Forget about him. It was his problem. It was his decision to come or not, and it wasn’t a matter of what I could do. We could not change others. I have already mastered this fact a long time ago, like when I first learnt to multiply minus and minus. Multiplying minus and minus turned to plus. Whereas, I was taught that there was no magic in this world. So, let’s just accept it as a fact and move on. It was a waste of time to think about it. The problem was me.
What on earth? So much was my mind stirred after the day of Christmas, when Daniel sent me the message which he just came up with an idea. Everyone has the right to put their ideas into words without a plan. After deciding to separate on that full moon night, I went through a long journey to be consciously aware of myself and strive to be intimate with all facets of myself including my wounds, trauma and persona acquired over the years. It followed that my tears welled up a canyon of my heart. Now there was an immense lake. Finally, on the day of the winter solstice, I had reached a wonderful infinite truth. However, I suddenly made it vanish. It had completely gone. It was as if I was convinced that I could get 100 points in the exam, yet I would get 0 points. Well, it might lead me to the concept of 0? Suddenly, I crossed it in my mind. Never mind, I just picked up my cell phone and listened to the rest of the message. His innocent voice happily delivered, “A lot of comic books were delivered by Santa Claus and he felt better when he read them yesterday. He was as usual as the state on a normal day. It's a parallel world. My intuition taught me. I was trapped in a parallel world again! Many traps are set at the entrance of the parallel worlds. The traps were expectations. Expecting the other person to do something that I thought and loving myself was at the two extremes. Like the S and N poles of magnets. And these attract each other like an irresistible magnetic force.
その時、私の頭の中で、私の一番好きな交響曲が流れていた。交響曲は小さい頃から苦手だった。管楽器の音がダメなのだ。無機質すぎて受け入れられない。でも、この交響曲だけは例外だ。母がベートーベンのファンだったので、子供の頃から、ピアノソナタとバイオリンソナタを聴いて育った。そのせいか、ベートーベンの創り出した音色は今はない日本の実家にいる気持ちにさせる。母と娘と列車で彼の生地Bonnまで旅したこともある。皮肉にも、ダニエルに教えた最短ルート、ミュンヘンから３時間半で到達できるチェコ国境の街CHEBを経由して。しかも、私の新しい住居はBETHOVENOVA通りにある。無の状態だった私の中で、ベートベンが作曲したこのSymphonyNo7 in A majer OP92が流れ出した途端、私の尊厳と誇りと弱さが目覚めた。そして、３人でこの交響曲に合わせて音楽を奏で始めた。心底驚いた。バイオリンの音だった。しかも、母から譲り受けたドイツ製のバイオリンの音色だった。バイオリンは小さな森である。育った木によって、音色が変わる。私のバイオリンは日本の木で作られている。上海に住んでいた時、バイオリン工房が近くにあったので、時々、遊びに行き、色々なバイオリンを弾いてみ時に気づいたことだ。中国の木で作られたバイオリンも。中国の木でイタリアのデザインで作られたものも。全てにそれぞれの性格があった。ドイツ製のバイオリンは厳格な響きがするが、イタリア製のように歌わない。彼女３人が奏でる厳格な響きに合わせて、私はキッチンに行き、彼のために買ってきておいたサーモンをグリルパンで焼き始めた。冬至の日、結婚写真を焼いたときに使ったグリルパンで。昔読んだどこかの童話ブレーメンの音楽隊の場面のように、私は響きに合わせてただ、ゆっくりと低温でそれを焼いた。その光景を無の状態で眺めていた。
Suddenly, out of thin air, I picked up a subtle tune of my favourite symphony in my mind. I hadn't been fond of symphonies since I was little. The sound of wind instruments irritated me badly. It was too inorganic to be accepted. But this symphony is the exception. My mother was a big fan of Beethoven, so I grew up listening to his piano and violin sonatas since I was small. Perhaps because of that, the music created by Beethoven makes me feel at home. I also travelled by train with my mother and my daughter to his birthplace, which is Bonn in Germany. Ironically, by the shortest route, I taught to Daniel from Munich, via the Czech border town of CHEB, which can be reached in three and a half hours. What's more, my new flat after my separation was on BEETHOVENOVA Street. As soon as Symphony No7 in A major OP92 by Beethoven flowed into me, my dignity, pride and weakness awakened. Then, the three of my friends started playing music to this symphony. I was astonished. It was the sound of the violin. Moreover, it was a German-made violin tone that was inherited from my mother of which the E string was cut a few days ago. The violin is a small forest. The tone changes depending on the tree that grew. My violin is made of Japanese wood. When I lived in Shanghai, there was a violin studio nearby, so I sometimes visited there to play various violins. Therefore, I am familiar with the differences among violins. A violin is made of Chinese wood and some violins are made of Italian and German wood. Each violin had its personality. German-made violins sound solid rather austere, therefore, they don't sing like Italian-made violins. The real sound of the three of them manipulated me to go to the kitchen and start grilling the salmon I had bought for him on the grill pan on which I burned my wedding photos on the day of the winter solstice. This was like the scene from the fairy tale Bremen's band I read in my childhood. While listening to the tune my trio played, I baked it slowly. I was looking at the scene in a state of nothingness.
私には写真を撮る習慣がある。料理をしたら必ず写真を撮っていた。そして、別居を始めてから、瞑想中や考えが浮かんだ時、何か興味深いことをしている時、その場面を録音する習慣もできていた。それに沈黙術を習得していたので、夜、感情の衣を纏い、その日にあったことを録音していた。サーモンの写真を撮っている時、ダニエルから写真が送られてきた。開くとそれは彼がミュンヘンに流れる川の川岸でミントティーを呑んでいる動画だった。笑ってしまった。無の状態で素直に心の底から笑った。彼は本当に面白い人だ。風のような人だ。そう、数日前飲んだアルブスの風と果実のお茶のようだ。濃厚な赤と薄荷の味がする。彼と私の心は通じ合っている。彼は私の影響を素直に受け、楽しんでいる。誰が悪いわけでも、何が悪いわけでもない。一体あの晩の不安とそれの引き金になった期待はどこからやってきたのだろうか？
そうか、恋心だ。私は彼に恋をしているのに気がついた。だから、期待を生んだんだ。昨晩、期待の存在には直感で気がついたが、なぜがわからなかった。今確信した。期待はパラレルワールドに落ちる罠だ。罠から抜け出さないと、また同じ過ちを犯す。まだ、私はパラレルワールドの入り口にいる。この場所に留まりながら、恋心が愛に変身するまで、もしくは、そうならないと確信するまで、私は自分に愛を注いで様子を見なくてはならない。交響曲第七番は第２楽章に入っている。目の前に雪景色の広大な森が見える。その冷たい澄んだ空気が私の無の状態に流れ込んできた。こんな境地を経験したのは生まれて始めてだ。感情がない。今まで
感情に付随していた思考の癖と思い込みが消えた。
すると、私の思考は多角的に広がった。まるで広大な雪の森。私は心底驚愕した。今まで、やってきたのは何だったんだろう？金曽祖母殿は、自分にご馳走を与え、栄養を供給し、自分を癒し、自分の魂に語りかけなさいと言った。ワォ、何となくわかってきた。全く新しい観点から、それを実行するんだ。私の才能と能力と魅力とチャンスを有効に活用して、発想を転換してみよう。転換どころではない。うまく伝えられないが、まるで、今まで行ったことのないどこかの自然公園の雪の森に、私の愛犬インカを解き放つようなものだ。インカはイギリスで訓練を受けたグレーハウンドだ。彼女がこの世に存在する理由は、ただ一つ。小動物を追いかけること。彼女の家系図は、私のそれよりずっと長くて、全ての先祖が競争犬だ。偉大な名前がついている。しかも彼女の父親はダービーで優勝している。周りには野生動物がたくさんいる。私が予測できること、制御できること、期待することは何も存在しない。インカは自由に走り回るだろう。私の思考と同じ。私の尊厳と誇りと弱さの奏でる音楽は既に第２楽章の半ばに差し掛かっている。今私は,仮面を外し、建前も脱ぎ捨て、虚栄を燃やした後の無にいる。私の魂は冬至の日の炎で目覚めている。私は今、侍の力を私の中で感じた。
I have a habit of taking pictures. I always took pictures when I cooked. And since I started living by myself, I'd also become accustomed to recording my thoughts after meditations, when I came up with an idea, or when I'm doing something interesting. Since I practised the art of silence during the day time, at night I have a habit of either recording or writing what happened during the day. When I was taking a picture of salmon, Daniel sent me a photo. When I opened it, it was a video of him drinking mint tea on the banks of a river in Munich. I laughed from my belly. I laughed from the bottom of my heart in a state of nothingness. He is a really funny person. He is like the wind. Yes, it's like the tea from the Alps I drank a few days ago. It tastes rich in fruit and subtle in mint. He and I were somehow in touch because he is obediently influenced by me and enjoyed drinking tea outside. Nobody’s fault and nothing was wrong. Where did the anxiety of last night come from then?
Yes, it's lovesickness. I noticed that I had some kind of attachment with him. That's why I created expectations. Last night, I intuitively noticed the existence of expectations in my mind, but I didn't understand why. I was convinced right now. Expectations were traps that fall into a parallel world. For me, my weak point was to be lovesick. If I didn't get out of the trap, I would make the same mistake again. Luckily, I was still on the verge of the entrance to the parallel world. “Yuko! Stay there, don’t fall.” I talked to myself while listening to the tune, Symphony No. 7, with my dignity, pride and vulnerability. I breathed deeply a couple of times. My great grandmother was there, she gazed, pierced my soul and awakened all my long-forgotten strength from my root, real Samurai. Symphony No. 7 entered the second movement. I could see an immense snow covered forest in front of me. This cold, fresh air flowed into my state of nothingness. It froze the last bit of everything I acquired since I was born, such as my past mistakes, patterns and unhealthy behaviours as quick as a wink. Now, I had neither feelings nor emotion like my hands when I took photographs of the flames which burnt my wedding photos on the Winter Solstice.
Out of blue, my thoughts spread from various angles, which I’d never noticed, even imagined. It is beyond my imagination. I was truly astonished by this gargantuan possibility. “What have I been up to?” I said silently. Gold in Wisteria, Great-Grandmother replied to me voicelessly, “You offer a sincere prayer three times before playing your dignity with your pride. Now it is the right timing. Do it from a new perspective. Transform your weakness into strength by using your talents, abilities, charms and opportunities effectively.”. Once I heard this, I opened the door which I thought on the day of the interview with the mediator that I wouldn’t be able to open in the depths of my heart by myself. But I opened it with my strength at the right timing in the detour of my life. Everything fell into the right place. I couldn’t explain this well, but it's like unleashing my dog Inca in a snowy wild forest in the middle of nowhere I'd never been to. Inca is a greyhound trained to be a racing dog in the United Kingdom. The only reason she exists in this world is chasing small animals. Her family tree is much longer, even neater and more elegant than mine and all her ancestors are great racing dogs. Therefore, she has a great name, Severn Inca the Empress. It is longer than my name. Moreover, her father has won the derby, whereas, my father was half alcoholic. There are thousands of wild animals around. There is nothing I can predict, control, or expect. I just agreed to surrender to what is happening right now. Inca will search, run and chase around freely with her instinct in the way her flesh and blood led. Now I would do the same. The music was already playing in the middle of the second movement. I was purified, brightened, cleansed of waste and toxicity after removing the mask, taking off the Tatemae (persona), and burning vanity. My soul is awakened by the flames of the winter solstice. I now feel the power of the samurai spirit to surrender, not to fight against, in me.
その時、犬のインカと目が合った。私は菜食主義者だ。両親も他界し、離婚もした。インカ以外に誰がこのサーモンを食べられるのだろうか？ただ与えてしまっては、パラレルワールドの罠にはまったままだ。だって、こんな大きなサーモンをいくら愛犬だとはいえ、普通に与えるわけにはいかない。彼女はダービーで優勝していないのだ。そうだ。思いついた。彼女に敬意を払わせ、最高のマナーで、私といつも一緒にいてくれた心からのお礼を込めて、彼女にご馳走を与えよう。彼女へのクリスマスプレゼントだ。そして、この行為は最高のひねりの効いた比喩になる。早速、ダニエルにグリルパンに乗ったサーモンの写真を送った。最小限の肯定的な言葉を選らび、ユーモアのセンスで味付けして。言葉には言霊が宿る。気をつけなくてはならない。あの丘の上の魔女が教えてくれた。私の言葉には、相手を破壊してしまう力もあるからだ。頼みの綱を破壊してしまっては、罠から抜け出ることはできない。慎重に言葉を選び抜き、Lucky Inca!と書いて、送信ボタンを押した。私は、広大な冬の森に私の新しい人生を解き放った。
SIT！インカは座る。サーモンの匂いに我慢ができないのだろう。すぐに立ち上がる。SIT!SIT!何度も言った。彼女に最高のマナーを教える。SIT DOWN!彼女が優雅に長い足を折り曲げて床に座る。サーモンを彼女の器に入れようとすると、待ちきれずに立ち上がる。SIT！SIT DOWN! WAIT! 私も根気よく続ける。侍の忍耐だ。私の新しい人生の始まり。妥協はしない。最高に心が通じ合う人と幸せになる新しい人生の始まり。全ての点はいつか線になる。一期一会。この瞬間は、一生で一度きり。私の尊厳と誇りと弱さが奏でる音色を聞きながら、私はインカにマナーを教えた。マナーは美しいもの。感謝と畏敬の念が宿るもの。私達、日の登る国日本で生まれた者は、礼儀を最高に重んじる。今私の耳に流れる音色には曽祖母の言葉が乗せられている。『侍として生まれたものは、毎日起床すると共に成長することに喜びを見出し、暖かさに感謝し、暗雲を吹き飛ばし、密接になりがちな他人との距離を賢く取りながら、その関係の中に美しい季節の変化を吹き込むことができる人々です』と。冬至の日の境地が蘇ってきた。インカは最高の礼儀で私の命令に従った。上品にすわている姿は、エジプトのスフィンクスのようだ。美しさには普遍性がある。美しい音楽にも。今私は彼女の関係の中に、美しい季節の変化を吹き込む。インカにPLEASEと告げた。従順なインカはまだ座っている。インちゃん、COME！私は優しく言った。いつも通りに。侍の私ではなく。彼女は、まるで数日何も食べてなかったかのように、大きなサーモンを一気に食べ干した。
私は、録音ボタンを止めた。ダニエルからメッセージが届いた。私が送った写真への感想だ。『驚いた。インカは、僕よりいいものを食べてるね』と。彼は全くわかっていない。やはり、彼は彼のパラレルワールドにいるのだ。侍のダニエルに肉を切られ、私は新しい感覚、憤りのようなものを感じた。だが、今の私は無の境地にいる。いつもだったら、そのままやり過ごしただろう。もしくは、最高級の嫌味な言葉を投げただろう。私はかなりこの点に長けている。絶対にやってはいけない。もしくは、彼に共感することに全神経を集中して、自分を彼に気に入られるようもしくは嫌われないようにして、欲しいものを得ようと思っただろう。私は事実だけを彼に伝えた。『これはあなたのために買ったものです。インカがあなたのことが大好きと言っていますよ。それでは良い1日を』と。私の尊厳と誇りと弱さが奏でる音楽は、第３楽章に入っていた。全てが丁度良い按配で美しい音色を奏でている。既に侍の力は私の中で優雅に構えのポーズをとっている。期待、不安、疑いは消えた。彼の骨を断とうと思った。宮本武蔵の五輪書火の巻。『敵を動かし逆を取って崩していく。心理的にも敵をいらいらさせ、惑わせ、動揺させて、敵に崩れが見えた一瞬に攻めて勝つ』間違いは繰り返さない。これは賭けだ。もう２度とパラレルワールドの罠に嵌まりたくない。彼はこんな私を知らない。もちろんだ。私でさえ初めて知ったんだから。
At that time, Inca the Empress, my beloved doggy, caught my eyes. She insisted voicelessly to me with her big eyes that I was a vegetarian. “Your parents passed away and you divorced. Who could eat this salmon other than me?”. I replied in the same manner, “If I just give it to you, I am still in the state of being stuck in a parallel world trap. Because no matter how big or small a salmon it is, I can't give it in a normal manner. I must surrender myself to this sort of anger from the disappointment related to this salmon. You haven't won the derby as your father did. Yes! An idea came up in my mind. I might have prayed three times before I played my dignity with pride. Anyway, they were already playing. Let me respect this disappointment and give it to her as joy with her best manners. It would be a token of my gratitude for always having stood by me. It would be a Christmas present for her. And this act is the best-twisted metaphor. My pride was playing so imposingly that I immediately sent Daniel a picture of salmon on a grill pan. I chose the least positive words, seasoned with a good sense of humour. I had to use my talent, ability and charm too. As the witches on the hill of Czech Glastonbury Tor knew, Kotodama, which was a Japanese traditional belief in the power that dwells in words - to say something is to make it real. I must be careful not to destroy him because he was an anchor. The purpose of this action was to free me from the trap of this parallel world and find a way to love myself. The enemy was not him, but me. He was merely my projection. I carefully selected the words, wrote “Lucky Inca!”, and pressed the submit button. Now I unleashed my new life in the vast winter forest.
“Inca, SIT!” I gave her an order. Inca sat down, but she couldn’t control herself around the smell of salmon. She stood up immediately. “SIT! SIT!” I said many times. I would teach her excellent manners. “SIT DOWN!” She gracefully folded her long legs and sat on the ivory-coloured fake-fur cushion. Once I tried to put the salmon in her bowl, she immediately stood up. So, I would do it again. “SIT! SIT DOWN! WAIT!” I continued with great perseverance, which would become the great endurance of the samurai after casting my shadow and draining shame. “Anger, Yuko!” It’s my intuition. My intuition suggested that the way to deal with this was to look under the surface of my anger. Yes, I know. I could feel vibrations of my anger through my voice which ordered Inca. And I even enjoyed controlling her. The temptation to control somebody and something might be a clue to identify what was the root cause of my anger. It is the beginning of my new life, so I wouldn’t compromise with Inca or a big chunk of salmon. All dots will someday become lines. I’d learnt a spirit of “Ichigo Ichie” which was an experience that will never come again by Sen no Rikyu. This moment was only once in a lifetime. I taught her beautiful manners while listening to the music of my dignity, pride and weakness. Manners are beautiful, they could show gratitude and awe to others. We, those born in Japan, the land of the rising sun, attach the utmost importance to manners. The words of my great-grandmother struck a deep chord in my heart. “Samurai as a birthright is an invitation to rise each day and affect growth, nurture with warmth, blaze away clouds of confusion, and allow your alternating intimacy and distance to others to create seasonal change. You must arrive to dispel laziness, melt iciness and dry out tears.” Now, the cheerful state of the winter solstice had revived in me. Inca obeyed my order with her impeccable courtesy. Her elegant appearance was like the Egyptian Sphinx. Beauty could fly over time. Now I would infuse beautiful seasonal change into our relationship. I told Inca PLEASE. The obedient Inca remained sitting. “In-chan, COME!” I said kindly in a usual manner, not like a samurai. She ate up a large salmon all at once as if she hadn't eaten for a few days.
I stopped the record button while I received a message from Daniel. It's the impression of the photo I sent. "Surprised. better food than me. ". He didn’t get it at all, of course, he was in his parallel world and was missing the signals. But when he cut my flesh by his comment, I boiled over with sensation, a kind of resentment. The enemy was not him, but this feeling. He was the projection or the object of it. He was the clue to find the source of this strong, aggressive feeling. I, who was an infusion of all, my dignity, pride, strength and soul, surrendered to my new spirit of Samurai. Now she was in charge of this duel. Usually, I would have ignored it as it was. Or I would have thrown slightly sarcastic words. I'm pretty good at this. And move on. But If I did so, I couldn’t identify the generator of my resentment, then I must get out of the trap. I breathed deeply three times as a prayer. The music by my infusion was in the third movement. It was playing with just the right tempo and beautiful tones. The power of the samurai was already gracefully set for this duel. Expectations, anxieties and doubts have disappeared, then I was in a state of nothingness. A flash of my intuition gave me the green light to break his bones by whispering a line of Fire in the Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, "Move the enemy, take the opposite and destroy it. Psychologically, let the enemy be annoyed, confused, upset. The moment you see a subtle sign of a collapse in the enemy, strike him and win. This is divine timing.” This is a bet. I didn't want to fall into the trap of a parallel world again. He didn’t know me like this, of course. Even though I knew it for the first time.
ダニエルに録音を送った。『新しい課題です。この瞬間のタイトルは何ですか？あなたの聴覚と想像力に大いに期待しています』とメッセージを付け足した。私と彼はこの種のゲームをよくしている。彼は視覚より聴覚に興味を示し、想像力と結びつけ、よく当てる。そして、彼は私の想像力を刺激するのが得意だ。うまくいけば、私の物語の新しい章が生まれる。もしくは、これで終わりだ。一期一会。この瞬間は一生に一度しかない。私の尊厳と誇りと弱さが音楽を奏で始め、私の中に侍の力が宿り、自分自身を愛する方法を発見した。それは、自分の気持ちに素直になること。それを肯定的に相手に伝えること。それは自分自信を潔く守ること。期待は幻想なのだ。プラトンの洞窟の原理と同じだ。真っ暗な洞窟の中に囚われている私。足と手を拘束され、壁を背に立たされている。頭上には松明が灯る。壁の上には道があって、そこには現実がある。言い換えれば、ダニエルの世界だ。私は松明の明かりに照らされたその影を見ている。その影が期待なのだ。プラトンは幻想だと定義した。影だからよくわからない。幻想だから如何様にもなるのだ。だから、夜中に不安に襲われたりしたのだ。そのただの黒い影に色彩をつけ、焦点を合わせ、コントラストをつけることに私は一生懸命になる。それが、相手に与え過ぎてしまうことになるのだ。そして、この美しく色づけられ調整させた家族写真が私の失敗した結婚だったのだ。壁の上に存在する元主人と娘の現実とはかけ離れたものだった。
私自身をパラレルワールドの罠からしっかり守ること。そして、広大な冬の森に解き放った私の新しい人生を楽しむ。彼の打ち手を待つだけ。そもまま何もなければ、それまでだ。彼の能力を信頼しよう。彼には洞察力がある。曽祖母の言葉が第３楽章で奏でられた。『あなたの新たな心の夜明けが自然と他人が感謝と畏敬の念をあなたに抱かせるまで、つまり、あなたを少し恋しく思わせるまで、自分に愛を注ぎながら待つ必要があります。これをしなかったことがあなたの結婚の失敗とそれがあなたに屈辱を与えた根本的な原因です』と。私は、屈辱を経験しない人生を選んだ。
彼からメッセージが届いた。『インカと申す侍は雑魚ではない。こんな課題』と。やはり彼の前世は侍だったのかもしれない。私の録音から侍を導き出したのは、驚きだ。しかも、私は小物ではないと。悪くない。侍チャンプルーのアニメを教えてくれたのは彼だ。彼も全部観ている。主人公の浪人侍の無限も仁も最終の決闘では捨て身の策に出た。私の策が彼の肉を切ったのか？骨を絶ったのか？自分自身に愛を注ぎながら、待つだけ。そう次は侍の忍耐を試す。私は彼との関係に美しい季節の変化を吹き込むことができるだろうか？それは、龍の子宮で培われた侍の忍耐次第だ。ワォ！いけてる！楽しくなってきた。だって、私はさんざん彼に切られてきたから。
I wrote only the facts to him. "I bought this for you. Inca says she loves you. Have a nice day ". Then, I sent the recording that I gave this salmon to Inca while teaching her perfect manners and wrote that it was a new challenge. What is the title of this moment? “This was a twist of my righteous indignation”, said my newborn strength. It was a new question, what the title of this moment was. I had high expectations for your hearing ability and imagination. We play this kind of game together. He is more interested in hearing information than visuals which are connected directly to his imagination. Then, he can guess well and is intelligent. Moreover, his answer could stimulate my imagination and widen my perspective. This is a rare opportunity and I appreciate this exchange of thoughts. It might be a long-shot attempt, a new chapter in my story will be born. Or this might be the last chapter. “Treasure every meeting, for it will never recur.” clearly said my strength through the symphony. This moment is only once in a lifetime. My dignity, pride and weakness, which had transformed into strength now, began to play music, and I found a way to free myself from this trap, with the power of the samurai spirit. I must be honest about how I feel. I must feel deeply and tell it positively, but bluntly to the other party. It is the way to protect myself, which the witch's voice told me. Her voice nudged me, that was “You must reclaim your boundaries, and not be afraid to enforce those boundaries even if it means displeasing others.” Hopes are illusions. It is the same as the principle of Plato's cave. I was trapped in a pitch-black cave, which I called the parallel world. My legs and hands were restrained and I stood with my back against the wall. A torch illuminated overhead. There was a road on the wall, and there was a reality there. In other words, it's Daniel's world. I saw the shadow illuminated by the torchlight. The shadow was my hopes or expectations. Plato defined it as an illusion. Because of a shadow, it could be anything, but it was an illusion. That's why I was anxious in the middle of the night. I worked hard with my thoughts to colour, focus and contrast the mere black shadows. These attempts would give too much to the other party, above all, these made me dissatisfied and disappointed. Oh, my god! This situation was the same as the beautifully coloured, adjusted family photo of my failed marriage. The reality of my ex-husband and our daughter on the wall was far from mine.
I will change it. On the full moon night, I heard the voice which said it was my fate. The current situation was not my fate, but part of the process to form my destiny. “Go for it, Yuko!” my samurai spirit cheered me up. “Protect yourself from the traps of parallel worlds. And enjoy your new life by releasing it in the gigantic winter forest. Just wait for his move. Trust his abilities. He has insight. Stop controlling, surrender to the circumstance.” The words of my great-grandmother were played in the third movement of the symphony. "Now you build up your endurance. The endurance is only in being revealed without shadows and shame." I just identified the shadow as an illusion and I overcame shame with Elizabeth Bennet. Well, Daniel, I would send a challenge for a duel.
I got a message from him. "A samurai who was talking to Inca is not a small fry. This is the title”. After all, his past life might have been a samurai. It was not bad he derived an idea of a samurai from my recording. Moreover, I'm not an idiot, it was not bad. He was the one who introduced me to Samurai Champloo's anime. He watched all the series. In the final duels, in which both Samurais, Mugen and Jin, two masterless samurais, got desperate. Did I cut his flesh? Or did I break his bones? All I needed to do was just to wait while focusing on myself. That is the way to exercise patience that samurais must have in order to create a beautiful seasonal change in our relationship. My great grandmother told me that the patience of the samurai could cultivate in the womb of the dragon. "Wow! The womb of the dragon? It's getting fun". Because I'd been cut by him a lot, now it would be my turn. I must get out of this trap.
私の未来は明るい。そこで私は幸せに生きている。その幸せが今の私を美しく微笑ませている。もう不安の材料を選択しない。別々のパラレルワールドにいる人に愛を注がない。今、私は、ミュンヘンで見た緑の蔦の門に藤の花の苗を植えた。心の中の未来の抽象画の中で。美しい紫色の花を咲かせるまで、ゆっくり自分自身に愛を注ぐ。別々のパラレルワールドにいる人に愛を注ぐのではなく。微笑みながら。だって、私は愛され幸せになるために生まれてきたのだから。
交響曲SymphonyNo7 in A majerはフィナーレを奏でた。私の尊厳と誇りと弱さは疲れたのか、眠りについた。私は1人、無の境地を楽しんだ。誰よりも美しく微笑みながら。目の前には、広大な雪の森が広がる。
My future would be shining. There I would live peacefully and smile beautifully. I would not allow anxiety to flow into my heart anymore. I would not give too much to people who lived in different parallel worlds. Now I have planted wisteria seeds at the green vine gate I saw in the botanic garden of Munich in the abstract painting of my future in my heart. While slowly pouring love to myself, I would grow patient until the beautiful purple flowers bloom. Because I was born to be loved and happy.
My trio played the finale of Symphony No7 in A major. They were too tired to fall asleep immediately. I enjoyed the state of nothingness alone. A vast snow forest spreads out in front of me.