MY EMOTION

YUKO SATO ONDREJKA

私の感情

沈黙の修行を始めてから、一つ問題が出てきた。

睡眠のサイクルが乱れたことだ。感情の衣をクローゼットに入れっぱなしにしておけば、あまり疲れない。これは、驚くべき事実だった。しばらくすると、感情を使って、記憶したことを再生するという習慣が生まれた。今、別居中であるため、家に犬以外の生き物がいない。独り言を言うか、書くか、描くか。選択肢は色々あるが、夜自分の感情をクローゼットから引っ張り出し、袖にまとって、私は書くという方法を選択した。感情は磁石だ。記憶した事実を個人的に評価し、色とりどりのブロックにする。まるでレゴのブロックのように。それからが楽しい。それを組み立てる。その時, 構想力を使う。つまりデザインだ。

これと同じようなことを瞑想中にも行う。自分自身に向き合うときだ。私は私のエゴを感情のセンサーで発見した。広大な高次元の世界の中で自分のエゴを探すのだ。ただ意図すればいいと私のグルは教えてくれたが、私にはこの意図するという行為が信頼できない。感情の方がずっと素直で使い易い。誰だって、自分のエゴの感情には敏感だ。あの、ざらっとした、黒い底無し沼のようなネバっとしたやつだ。Poor Meを叫ぶ一歩手前の感情。見つけた瞬間、掴み、自分の目の前に連れてくる。

それは小さな男の子だった。柔らかそうな明るい茶色の髪をしていた。懐かしい感じがした。どうしたの？彼に話しかける。どこか一点を見ていた彼の視線が私に向く。不思議な子供だ。彼の目には長い歴史が刻まれていた。私は吸い込まれそうになった。そんな時どうしたらいいか、Satchiに教わっていた。刀で彼を斬るのだ。恐れることはない、私の創造力を信頼すればいい。すぐに別の子供が現れる。子供を操っている黒い液体の紐を探す。紐を辿って、別次元にいく。すると古いヨーロッパの大学の図書室にあるような螺旋階段が目の前に現れた。それを駆け上ると黒魔術師のような格好をした男がいた。またお前か？彼が尋ねる。またあなたね。私が答える。刀で彼の首を切り落とす。彼を操っていた草のつるが現れて、私をつかもうとする。彼のことを知っているかどうかにかかわらず、迷わずリズミカルに切った。今が正しいタイミングだっった。武蔵が五輪書に書いているように。

My Emotion

One problem has arisen since I started the practice of silence. My sleep cycle was disturbed. If I leave my emotional dress in the closet behind me, I won't get too tired. This is a surprising fact. I am in the habit of using emotions to recreate what was observed in my daydreaming and remembered after my judgement. Since we are living separately, there are no creatures other than a dog in my house. Either I speak to myself, or write, or draw. There are some options, but I chose the writing method, wearing my emotions on my sleeve at night. Emotions are magnets. I personally evaluate the memorised facts or compare this evaluation to the previous one I did during daydreaming. Then I make them into colourful blocks, like Lego blocks. Then it is enormous fun to assemble them. At this time, I use my conception ability. In other words, it is called a design.

I do something similar during meditation when I face myself. I identify my ego with my emotional sensor. We can find our ego in the vast, higher-dimensional world. My guru, Satchidenand, told me that I should just intend, but I can't trust this act of intention. Intention is something I want and plan to do. I found it rather close to my ego. On the other hand, emotions are much more straightforward. Everyone is sensitive to the emotions of his or her ego. It is a rough, black bottomless swamp-like sticky substance. The feelings just before we scream "Poor me" and start caring about our precious fears, insecurities, and run into the boundaries we’ve put into place to protect ourselves. Therefore, I must be brave at the moment I find it, grab it and bring it in front of me.

It was a little boy. He had light brown hair that looked soft. I felt nostalgic. "What's wrong with you?" I gave the word to him and started caring for him so much. His gaze, looking at one point, turned to me. Those eyes were mysterious. A long history was engraved in them. When I started reading his history, I was about to be sucked in. I sensed danger. Satchi taught me what to do in such a case. Cut his head off with a sword. Don't be afraid, just trust my creativity. Soon another child will appear. I must find the black liquid string that controls the child. I found it and followed it. It brought me another dimension. Then a spiral staircase in the library of an old European university appeared in front of me. When I ran up to it, there was a man dressed like a black magician. He turned to me and said "Oh it's you again?" I answered "I came again". I knew him. I cut his head off with a sword. The grass vine that was manipulating him emerged and tried to grab me. I cut it rhythmically without hesitation whether or not I knew him. Now is the right timing. As Musashi wrote in the book of the five rings.

Edited by Ross McLelland