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  • 執筆者の写真Yuko

3.8. Ensō : a black circle in white

My hands were cold like a stone and my feet had no feeling. I’ve neither meditated outside such a long time, nor been such deep in meditation. The numb tips of my fingers and toes were proof that I had touched the fountain of my deep psyche with them. The sun had already set on the way back home.


I took a hot shower.  


The moment when the balance between cold and hot was maintained, I simply praised myself. Honestly but clearly, I praised myself. Then, something hot welled up in my eyes. It had been a few minutes, but I felt like forever. 


After the shower, I brushed my teeth. I had a glass of water and went to bed. The dog Inca followed me. I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. The balance wouldn't tip in me. I was satisfied with the balance and the satisfaction pulled me to sleep. 


I woke up in my dream. It was a lucid dream. It was a large living room. A small girl was looking at my face. She looked around 12 years old, I thought she was smaller than my daughter. She had dark skin and exotic white clothes like a Roman. She put a white cloth over her head. She smiled at me and it was so lovely that I spontaneously hugged her. 



She radiated joy as she darted around the room, her energy drawing me in. She appeared as innocent as a newborn baby in my eyes. I chased after her, knowing she sought my company. As we frolicked, a small audience observed our interaction. Despite feeling self-conscious under their scrutiny, I wholeheartedly engaged with the girl, sharing genuine laughter and acknowledging her presence. 


Their surprised expressions and piercing gazes momentarily unsettled me, yet I brushed off their judgment and focused on our connection. Taking her hand in mine, I felt a surge of courage in my Solar Plexus, I put my hand inside me and graved it. It was such a heat. I passed it on to her. Our intertwined hands symbolised a bond forming within us sharing the growth journey. In that moment, she gleamed like pure gold, illuminating our shared experience that had just been acknowledged. 


I woke up in the usual morning. One sentence popped up in my mind. It was Chinese. 


“The whole world knows the usual as usual only because of the existence of the special.” 

天下皆知寻常之为寻常,斯特别矣。


Somebody told me the poem which was something like that in Chinese long time ago. I indulged in reminiscences, but I didn’t pick anything. But a special dream that ever since when I was little was imposing on me. It was that I've dreamed of being rescued, just like the girl in my lucid dream. I wrote down both dreams, the one that happen in my mind when I was sleeping last night and another that I wanted to happen very much but this was not. Intuitively, I knew that both finally met each other in my diary


I began my day as usual but with this special girl. The usual days past. I sleep, meditate, walk with my dog, work, exercise Kendo and Yoga and wrote my journey.


Then, Satchi replied to me.


From: Swami Satchidanand 

Subject: Re: 3-7. I am the reed

Date: 15 April 2024 at 8:19:14 CEST


"if you see buddha along the path, kill him"


Test everything.


If you want to transmute a subpersonality, visualise him, 7step him.


S


Satchi had advised me with "If you see Buddha along the path, kill him" several times. I understand that it means questioning and doubting everything. But I would think about it deeply. Suddenly, I I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. 


What was Maitreya Bodhisattva, so called Future Buddha, really trying to convey to me? 

Why now, again? My intuition kept telling me I must put on my thinking cap. 


Maitreya appeared in meditation in December 2022 and he saved me to remove blockages. One year later he told me to kill him. So, I did. I killed him with my spiritual sword and grounded him in the centre of the Earth. He transmuted into golden light. Then, I lost my psychic visions, of cause, in meditation. 


It caused a small problem. I couldn’t visualise any of my sub-personalities since then. It was the second advice from Satchi, “If you want to transmute a sub-personality, visualise him, 7step him.” Therefore, activity of transmuting sub-personalities was paused. It must be a hidden message from Maitreya. 


I sat in lotus and closed my eyes. 


Maitreya is an important figure in Buddhism and is widely worshiped in Japan. The no.1  Japanese National Treasure is the wooden statue of Maitreya. All Japanese students study about it in history textbooks. Its form of thinking in half was so delicate and elegant that I’d fallen in love since I saw it. 


Maitreya is a bodhisattva who is said to become a Buddha in the future, but it was not immediate future. He will appear 5.67 billion years after Buddha's death and is believed to be a being who can save people. 


If Maitreya Bodhisattva appeared to me during meditation, it can be seen as a symbolic message to encourage change and growth in my mind and spirit. Because Maitreya Bodhisattva is said that he shows us the teachings to liberate ourselves from suffering and delusion. When I saw him in meditation, I was suffering from delusion and he gave me a power against it. 


Why he asked me to kill him? 


The phrase "If you see Buddha along the path, kill him" is a Zen Buddhist saying that conveys the idea of not becoming attached to any external form or concept, even if it is something as revered as Buddha. Relying on external sources or figures for guidance and wisdom may provide temporary relief, but true enlightenment comes from within. 


So, it emphasises the importance of seeking enlightenment within myself rather than relying on external sources or figures. 


All make sense. That's why I lost psychic visions since I killed Meityana. It’s time to focus on developing faith within myself. I might have been lost in visions, or perhaps, been manipulated by visions. Therefore, he wanted me to cut off my attachments to visions and worldly desires, then explore my inner self and make efforts to grow and transform to create a new self. 


I was satisfied to the end of deduction. Surprisingly, I could do without visions. I opened my eyes.



I kept meditating with no visions. It didn’t bother me at all. I rather enjoyed the Shikantaza meditation imagining I am a mere reed. Joy of being a reed gave me confidence. 


Confidence is purely abstract.


There were various kinds of confidence. This confidence comes from observing, as a mere reed, the intricate and interconnected relationships within ecosystems, the cycles of growth and decay, and the ability of nature to adapt and regenerate in the face of challenges.


A phrase popped up. 


“The whole world knows the confidence as confidence only because of the existence of the surrender.” 

天下皆知信心之为信心,斯臣服矣。


Yes, that’s right. I was in between confidence and surrender now as a reed. 

Perceiving confidence with surrender in nature simply led me to a sense of awe, wonder, and respect for the beauty and complexity of the natural world. That must be closed to the soul-infused personality. 


Today was the 7th day since I lost psychic visions. 


Unlike other days, I felt restless today. It was a storm in a teacup. I felt like I had been forgetting something that needed to be done. The teacup storm raged in my heart. It seemed to be looking for a lost jewel in the sea. 


But soon, I realised that I was acting as if so. It was merely habit. I had clung to it for a long time, acting as if I didn’t know what to do, whilst it became clear to me. I knew what I had to do.


So, I headed to the post office. It was raining. 



Upon returning home, I lit a stick of incense. The scent of sandalwood slowly filled the room, working on me in a direct and purifying way despite its elegant appearance. It thrived most in the rain. 


I sat in lotus in the purified room with a line of smell of incense and I closed my eyes. I was listening to the sound of rain. 


The sound of rain was soothing the teacup storm and calming the sea in my heart. It evoked a sense of peace and tranquillity, as the gentle patter of raindrops created a rhythmic and meditative sound. The tranquillity was in white. I returned to the starting point of my journey, “Kiosk” which was the initial chapter of my writing and my spiritual journey. 


I was on the white platform in white tranquillity. 


I heard the train approaching. Ah, I stood on the white platform, reminiscent of my initial writing, "Kiosk." I revisited the essence of "Kiosk" again. This was the third time. Although I returned to the familiar location, I was not the same person. I was sure I was different from that time. I convinced myself that I had undergone a personal transformation since I wrote "Kiosk". I must have faith in these experiences, believing I did foster deep growth and self-discovery.


The train stopped and the door was opened. It was a white train in white. Literally, there was no vision. But I could hear the sounds clearly. I got on. There was the girl I met in my dream. She put a white veil in white, but I felt her. I recognised that I was trusting myself, which I couldn’t do for a long time. Confidence in the reed grew. 


Confidence told me that this girl was the one who had me to write “Kiosk”. I remembered what I wrote in my diary. She waited to be rescued for a long time and her desire developed need for other people to validate my existence. The train moved. I tried to hold her hand to save her.


Yes, there she was. 



We were holding hands for a while. The train stopped and the door was sliding. She pulled me outside. There was a beautiful full moon in the white sky. The moon was expanding more and more. It reminded me the memory named “Full Moon”, which I wrote in April in 2021. So, I wrote it almost three years ago. Today was April 23rd in 2024.


I wrote in “Full Moon”;

Everything started on that full moon night. The full moon makes people go crazy. It may be true. That night, a man's real thought held in the back of his heart, and at the same time, my darkness was reflected as if in a mirror. He's like a werewolf transformed. The man is my husband who has been married to me for 12 years since tying the knot after a grand passion.


This girl was my darkness. I intuitively knew that the girl whom I was holing hands must be my darkness.


Now, I was holding hands with my darkness on the platform in white. I was not the same as the one who wrote “Full Moon” after hundreds of meditation undergoing a personal transformation. I autonomously urged to rescue my darkness and transmute her. 


But from whom? From what?


Unlike the beginning of “Full Moon”, I mainly wrote about my childhood and a black sheep in our family. Today, I went to the post office to send a small parcel to this black sheep. 


I looked at the full moon in the white sky through my third eye and heart. Reflecting on my strengths and qualities, I showed the strong will to free myself from a strong Karma with this black sheep. I have no communication of any kind with the black sheep since he left the family six years ago. 


The full moon showed me the mark of the South Node in Astrology with tapioca balls just like the very first lucid dream in KIOSK, then the sign moved upside down. It showed the sign of the North Node. I understood the message from the full moon. Yes, it was high time to embody the highest expression of the South Node to complete the Karma and move forward into the North Node. 


There are two lunar nodes in astrology which are the north node and the south node. They are usually discussed together, as they are strongly intertwined. In the natal chart, the lunar nodes are located directly opposite each other. The Moon’s nodes are not existing objects in the sky. These points are calculated as the intersection between the Moon’s orbit and the ecliptic. 



The south node and the north node are connected with our soul’s journey towards spiritual growth and evolution. They are particularly important in karmic astrology. 


The south node shows my past and it is located in the third house in Cancer. This point shows what I have mastered in my early years or in my previous lives.


I, as my natal south node in 3rd house, have many past life experiences honing how I think, speak and write, and connecting with people and ideas in my community. However, in the other hand, it suggests that I paid too much attention to what others thought about me in the past. So, what I am doing now is exactly what the south node in 3rd house person is good at. 


Also, I might have focused on nurturing and caring for my immediate family. Especially, I may have been very emotionally connected to my siblings. Human emotion is an unreliable, shifting foundation. The separation between love and hate is no thicker than a whisper. I have the similar quality of live to my brother since we were small.


I promised under the full moon that before I whisper I should taste my words to make sure they are palatable. I am going to touch the most sensitive part of the south node in 3rd house. 


I focused on breathing and counted 108 times. In Japan, we rang the bell 108 times in Buddhist temples at night in December 31 in order to clean "煩悩:Bonno", earthly desires which are the mind that torments us with each sound of the bell. I heard the sound of bells while breathing.  


When I counted up to 108 time, my father appeared under the sign of south node. I couldn’t see him, but felt. I guessed because I sent my father’s golden watch to the black sheep today. I even attached a short letter explaining how our father’s end was and where his grave was located. He passed away in October 2020. It was 7 months after my mother’s death and 2 years later after our black sheep abandoned him. 


My sub-personality wrote below in April in 2021.


A father, who thrived within the patriarchy in Samurai clan in the north, lavished his eldest son with indulgence - his son who happens to be my younger brother. 


Unlike my father, my mother who came from a poor peasant family in the south had rigorous academic expectations for their children. Rabeling against the stringent guidance of my mother, my younger brother metamorphosed into a creature of unchecked ego during his later elementary school years. Faced with my mother's conditional love for the academic results, he resorted to heated arguments and loud outbursts whenever denied his desires or when pressed to focus on his studies. It happened almost every day. 


I wanted to be rescued from yelling. Because I had lived in Chaos which my younger brother created. 


However, my father didn't say anything. He just bought things my brother wanted because he was a first born son. I was a child who couldn't say anything I wanted, instead I worked hard to live up to my mother's expectations. I couldn't believe that my younger brother, who didn't live up to my mother's expectations, could get whatever he wanted. 


The black sheep was so greedy that its greediness scared me. His greediness started to like taste of violence. I was scared more. I became so attuned to my family around me, that I lost who I really was in the big picture of life. 


Why had I forgotten that? Greed is terrifying to me. Greed turned to violence and attacked me. It will consume everything. Before that happens, as soon as I smell greediness, I flee. So I jumped out of my marriage. Because my ex-husband's greed had attacked me.


These are the things my sub-personality had me write in April in 2021.


"I tried to understand whether this was the nous which is real intention and the Tatemae which is a public face. However, after all it exceeded my understanding and it hurt my brain. So I cried in the darkness of my heart, where I had not gazed until the reflection of my husband in the mirror on the night of the full moon."


Now I was at the same place in April in 2024. It was a long journey while writing, meditating and practicing swordsmanship to explore the south node in the 3rd house. But I was not same. 


A circle appeared in white. It was outstanding in black. It was the Enso in Zen. 


Indra, my Kendo teacher explained the Enso circle after Kendo practice last Monday. 


"After years of dedication, Kendo warriors face each other with a pure heart, untainted by the movements of their opponent's blade. It was just like a novice approaching Kendo for the first time, their minds were a blank canvas. Yet, they are not the same. The starting point of a brushstroke differs from its end within the blurred circle. The difference is the height of their hands holding the brush. In other words, they exist in the same space but in different dimension."


I am in the higher dimension under the Enso circle. And it is connected to the beginning of exploring the north node which describes what I am yet to experience and learn. 


If I have the south node in 3rd house in my natal chart, this also means that my north node is located in the ninth house.



The ninth house is the house of the higher mind, the superego that guides me in my life. It suggests that I was ignored this part in the past or my previous life. I also need faith, represented by the ninth house in astrology. Learning to trust my intuition is essential with this placement. I must explore what I believe apart from others, and cultivate trust that lights the way within. Don’t adapt to my audience. I must speak my truth. Then I can discover my true self. 


Am I able to trust my intuition? Am I able to speak my truth? Am I able to discover  my true self?


I spoke out my real desire which I hided in the darkness of my heart.


I wanted my father to be strong and scold the black sheep, even fight against him. If he did wrong behavour. I wanted my mother to become kinder, respect my father who has become stronger, smile happily, and love my younger brother and me. 


I wanted to be protected. 


After I spoke out, the black sheep appeared through the Enso circle. It was my younger brother. He was black covered with black ink. 


To be continued....to 3.9. Duel


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